Laughter
A MAGAZINE( ( DF GOOD HUMOR
June
25 Cents
KNOCKED For A Loop
Protect Yourself!
Don't let hold-up men or
rowdies get the best of you!
They're easily fooled
MEN a robber, roughneck and burglar
has been fooled and put to flight by
this innocent but extremely dangerous look-
ing cigarette case. It cannot be told from
the real thing until you pull the trigger
and the cigarettes pop out.
Only a Cigarette Case!
but a *'startling" novelty
This vicious “Automatic” is only a
clever cigarette case, holding a whole
pack of your favorite brand, but it has all
the earmarks of a real Automatic. It is
cast in one solid piece of metal, enameled
in sinister, dull black to carry conviction.
You simply cannot tell it from a real gat.
Free 3 Day Trial!
Keep it for 3 days. Use it to worry your
friends stiff and to collect all the money
they owe you. Then—if you don’t feel
you want it—send it back and get your
deposit refunded. (See the coupon below).
You Can Have Lots of Fun
sticking up your friends with
this ugly “Gat” and then
soothing their startled nerves
with a nice cool smoke or
liquid refreshment. You'll be
“Where's that dollar the life of the party even if
you owe me?” you scare a few to death.
Which “Gat” Do You Want?
1. No.1 has space for 2. No. 2 has 3 screw-
а pack of cigarettes. cap bottles for butter-
Saves its cost in no 4 c F
time by protecting your milk, cider and near.
smokes against break- beer.
age.
Im FREE TRIAL COUPON | AGENTS AND
| Sincere Co., 24 East 21st Street, SALESMEN WANTED
New York, N. Y. Dept. G-225 With this new cigarette
case you can shoot алу of
Send me Cigarette Gun No. .... for 8 days' trial. your old males records: full
I will pay the postman $1.79 and postage when
of men (and women, too),
waiting to get one. Motor-
ists, mechanics, farmers, ex-
ecutives, clerks, storekeep-
| use, I will return it and you аге to pay me back
| every cent without argument.
ers, EVERYBODY in fact,
whether a smoker or not,
І
I
|
|
delivered. If I am not fully pleased after 3 days’ | | o£ holes. There are millions
1
І
І
I
1
will buy one.
Write for special propo-
sition to live wires.
SINCERE CO.
24 E. 21st St, New York
ë Sales*Dept. G-225
OT!
Your Friends 0
this new and
pleasant
way
This Modern Two-Gun Guy
has a lot more sense than
he of the Gold Rush days.
Nowadays he has a gat with
cigs on one hip, and on the
other hip а brother to it,
loaded with вагварагШа or
what have you?
Always ready for a bang-
up good time, you see, Ev-
erybody is joining the '"Two-
Gun Army"—why don't you?
Vor. IV NUMBER THREE
Momentary CHUCKLES .......... 8
Two Kines AND A QUEEN KICKER
—By Pip Баа
Down on THE Farm—By Hai
Rasmusson
A Lesson on Loye—By Howard
Kennedy ....... ....... ...
Remrniscences OF А Вар Man—By
Parke Cummings
Tue Loss or THE “NIGHTINGALE” —
By Eliot Stone ..
ОТТОВЛАТ ЕЕЕ ^
Wnuars tHe Marrer Wiru Basr-
BALL?—By Algernon Free
Paying Our DEBT to LAFAYETTE—
By L. T. Holton
His FORTUNATE ILLNE
Woodford
Кер Hor Mama Gooszrz—By
Spencer Archdeacon .......... !
Two Down Front—By Тір Bliss.. 55
Issued monthly by The Guild Publishing
Company; Office of P blication, 809 Lin-
den Street, Scranton, Pa. Editorial and
Business Offices, 584 Drexel Building, Phil-
adelphia, Pa. Single copies, 25 cents.
Yearly subscriptions, $2.50. Canadian, $3.00.
Foreign, $3.50. Entered аз second-class
matter, September 22, 1925, at the post-
office at Scranton, Pennsylvania, under
the Act of March 3, 1879. Copyright 1926,
by The Guild Publishing Company.
laughter
Well Equipped
By
ARTHUR NEAL
She is gaining much fame
as a show-girl;
And I'll tell you, in
case you don't know,
She is gaining much fame
as a show-girl
Just because she has so
much to show.
June,
^
Womemnfgr
3
fe
SHE: Well, go on with
your story. How did they
apprehend the thief?
HE: He was out playing
golf and they caught him in
а sand trap.
T HE movies are looking for college graduates, probably expecting to improve by degrees.
> < >
An operatic star wants to swim the Channel. She is evidently not content with just being
a diva.
=> 5» <>
With a few more prohibitory laws, we free Americans will have to drop the title of citizen
and style ourselves inmates.
A» o >
A thing of beauty is annoyed forever.
> Ss >
No one hates an egotist quite as much as an egotist.
> o> >
A fellow usually tries a divorce suit when he finds that the union suit doesn't fit.
> < >
When а hammock sags іп just one place, it's a sure sign they ve become acquainted.
%>: 225 ЁС
Pickpockets often dispurse а crowd.
> > >
For a bachelor to be really happy he should live in an apartment adjoining a married couple.
ош 520 5
А friend who is not in need is a friend indeed.
> > >
Pittsburgh is perfectly sooted to some people.
Sr GS SY
When a man has a birthday he seldom even takes a day off but when a woman has one she
usually takes a year off.
> > <
A blush on the cheek is not the same thing as a red nose but it is often the next thing to it.
McIntyre: * Now,
here's a story about a
traveling salesman—
stop me if you've
heard it.” (Не sees
his wife who has just
entered.) “Oh, stop
me, anyway.”
McIntyre: “He has
his bacon fried in Lux
so it won’t shrink.”
Ruggles: “Whydoes
cream cost so much
more than milk?”
Luella: “I suppose
it’s harder for the cow
to sit on the little bot-
tles.”
Luella: “I won a
loving cup last night.”
Ruggles: “I didn’t
know they were giv-
ing prizes for that.”
Ruggles: ‘‘Well,
how’s luck?”
Luella: “Oh, it’s
been pretty good at
cards, but terrible at
horses.”
Ruggles: “Well, of
course, you can’t shuf-
fle the horses your-
self.”
Пеш ӨР Tune,
. TWO KINGS
In Which Your Correspondent,
Again Delves into the Soul of
with Charles Ruggles,
Ву TIP
WHILE ago Your Correspondent had an idea,
and there will be no kidding on that sub-
ject from the rear of the audience. Said
Your Correspondent to himself, there being nobody else around to talk
to: *Why not interview three of these comedians at once, thereby
satiating an avid publie and at the same time getting a couple of
months vacation? Тһе season is now open at the Riviera and the
English watering resorts. Also, to be more to the point, at Coney Is-
land. How about it?" Your Correspondent stuck in the vicinity quite
awhile waiting for somebody to answer this question, but, there being no
reply, he directed his limousine (I must quit that habit of fibbing) took
the subway to the Ambassador Theatre to talk to Charles Ruggles, Frank
McIntyre and Luella Gear, at present appearing in “Queen High," and
how!
This idea will probably get Your Correspondent no further than the
one he had back in March about beating the income tax by failing to file
any return, but no matter.
The first person to be encountered by Your Correspondent, outside
of the doorman and the Strong Arm Squad, was Mr. McIntyre, who was
sitting partly inside and partly outside of his dressing room. This phe-
nomenon is due to Mr. McIntyre’s rather improbable girth and heartened
Your Correspondent’s determination to lay off potatoes and other
starchy foods, especially since he doesn’t care for them much, anyhow.
“How about a little interview, Mr. McIntyre?” asked Your Corres-
pondent.
“How about a little what?” inquired Mr. McIntyre.
“Interview.”
“Oh,” said Mr. McIntyre in a disappointed tone, “I misunderstood
you. Just step into the second door to the left and ГЇЇ be right
with you.”
Your Correspondent stepped as directed and discovered that the sec-
ond door to the left led directly into the Forty-Eighth Street Police sta-
tion. Thirty days later he emerged in a new suit donated by the Govern-
ment in appreciation of service rendered, and this time sought Mr.
Ruggles.
“Have you been to Red Gap lately?” demanded Your Correspondent,
shunting aside a heavy lamp hurled by the prominent comedian.
“Im getting rather sick of that line of boloney,” replied Charles
affectionately. “Well, if you want an interview, I appeared in “The Pass-
1927
AND A QUEEN KICKER
Hitherto Known as Tip Bliss and a Glutton for Punishment,
the Cosmos and Emerges Unscathed with a Joint Interview
Frank McIntyre and Luella Gear of ** Queen High”
BLISS
ing Show of 1918,’ “Тһе Girl in The Limousine, ‘Ladies’ Night,’ “Тһе
Demi Virgin,’ if any, ‘Battling Butler,’ and ‘White Collars.’ My chief
physical characteristic is that I have a rather sharp nose. Mr. McIn-
tyre, besides being fat, has played in ‘Strongheart,’ ‘Classmates,’ "The
Traveling Salesman,’ ‘Snobs,’ “Оһ, Oh, Delphine,’ ‘Fast and Grow Fat,’
‘The Rose of China,’ ‘Seeing Things,’ ‘Sitting Pretty’ and ‘The Green-
wich Village Follies.’ Miss Gear attracted attention in ‘Elsie,’ “Love о”
Mike,’ “The Gold Diggers,’ ‘Beware of Dogs,’ ‘Poppy’ and—”
“Oh, shut up!” said Your Correspondent. “What ten books would
you take with you to a desert island?”
“Oh!” Mr. Ruggles said. “You mean Cincinnati. We probably
won’t go there at all, because it looks as if we’d play Broadway through
the summer. But I do like endive salad.”
At this point a considerable portion of Mr. McIntyre inserted itself
in the doorway, causing the atmosphere to become greatly rarified.
“I have nothing to say for publication,” said Mr. McIntyre. “I
was born in Ann Arbor, Michigan, in 1879 and I think the New York
skyline is wonderful and American women are very nice indeed. Is there
anything else you'd like to ask ше?”
(This remark you will note, brings in Statistics, with-
out which no interview would be complete. We will now
add a couple more, after which the job will be practi-
cally done. “Queen High” is, or was at the time Your
Correspondent started this thing, the dean of New York
musical comedies and is an adaptation of “A Pair of
Sizes,")
“Anything else you want to ask?” persisted Mr. Mc-
Intyre.
*Yes," answered Ү.С. *What's dumber than а dumb
Englishman?”
“A bright Swede,” said Mr. McIntyre, showing that
we must patronize the same speakeasy, since that gag has
been pulled there successively every night for two weeks.
On the way out Your Correspondent, anxious to wind
up the Eternal Triangular interview in fitting fashion,
rapped on Miss Gear’s door and asked for Miss Gear. A
beautiful lady who resembled Miss Gear amazingly replied
that Miss Gear was not in. Your Correspondent is getting
used to this sort of business, however. .
Ruggles: “How
about it. Will you in-
vite me up to dinner
some night?”
McIntyre: “Sure.
The first time we have
arsenic.”
Luella: “I marry a
BUTLER? Why, Га
never think of marry-
ing an indoor street
cleaner!”
$ June,
Down on the Farm
Peggy and her
sophisticated girl
friends, spending a
week-end on her
uncle’s farm, cer-
tainly gave the
natives around the
old homestead
plenty to talk about.
She and the gang
kept the population
awake with a banjo-
uke and a lot of
peppy songs, not the
least of which was,
“Never Lend Your
Latch-Key Unless
Theres а String
Attached.”
Peggy thought all our “feathered friends” were
loving creatures until this pugnacious goose nip-
ped her in the calf. Now she’s looking forward
to seeing him served up for Sunday dinner.
Marge and Peggy say the name of
the curious animal pictured herewith
is “Boss” and this ain't no bull. They
waxed quite chummy with “Boss” and
gave her some good advice on not over-
ы but she paid very little attention
o it.
1927 А
Peggy and Veronica
thought they'd take a
little dip in the brook-
let behind Uncle’s
peach grove, and they
certainly presented a
pleasing picture.
Even poor old Hec-
tor's horses couldn't
keep their minds on
their hay.
Uncle Hector's youngest certainly is
spending plenty of time with Peggy. Sam-
son is his name, and he is curiously both
big and strong and weak and willing at one
and the same time. But what of it? After
all, June is a month for romance.
Hay! Hay! Oh,
what a buggy ride
and how! No one’s
going to get broken
arches from walking
home today. Samson
says a man hasn’t got
a chance with six
good looking biscuits.
And in all fairness
these charming so-
phistieates from the
city say of Samson:
“He may have hali-
tosis, but you’d never
know it. Believe us,
that boy gnaws his
onions.”
Pictures and Text
By HAL RASMUSSON
8
“No,” replied
Mre. Ralston, a
little sadly, "he seldom
goes anywhere with me."
4A LESSON ON
MES had no illusions concerning
marriage and the rules thereof; only in
in so far as they worked out practically
to the certain advantage of people did she sub-
scribe to them . . . believing that most cf them
were invented by fuzzy old men with copy book
brains, and ugly wenches no longer sought after.
In this, any fair-minded person will instantly
agree, Mathilda was entirely right.
Yet Mathilda was not at all “hard-boiled”; oh,
nowhere near hard-boiled; not even a two-minute
egg—she was darned cute . . . the kind of a girl
you'd like to know: if you care for that sort of
thing. She was, in fact, as sympathetic as she
was pretty, which means that she was as sympa-
thetic as all get out.
Oh, well—I suppose I shall have to describe her
to you:
EYES: A seductive brown.
HAIR: Black as night.
LIPS: Small, red, crushy.
SKIN : Like a toy balloon on a summer's day—
а pink balloon.
FIGURE: Slim. Boyish. Lithe. Wriggly.
1927
9
Mathilda Likes Her Employers Wife
A Comedy of
the Business Office
LOVE
LIMBS: Impossible to describe.
TEMPERAMENT: “Yessy” but deceiving in
this respect.
VOICE: Husky, soft, like a Hartz Mountain
Canary that has just swallowed a worm. One of
those little silky worms.
HEART ACTION: To suit.
When Ralston started making love to her, ten
days after he had engaged her as a stenographer
in his office, she let him, though she knew him to be
a married man, and not very long married at that
—only five or six years. This reflection upon
and Thinks She Isn’t Getting a Square
Deal in This Marriage Business.
She Undertakes to Teach Her Em-
ployer a Few Things About Love—
With Highly Amusing Results.
So
By HOWARD KENNEDY
Mathilda’s part shows her to be a very generous
soul.
She let him take her to the theatre once or twice,
and to luncheons, dinners, etc., once or thrice
Nothing is implied by the “еіс.”--вһе merely
wanted to study him.
Finally she contrived to meet his wife at a social
gathering to which she angled for an invitation
without Ralston knowing it.
After meeting Ralston’s wife, she decided at
once that it was ridiculous for him to be making
love to stenographers. He could not possibly be
a mistreated or misunderstood husband, for his
wife was charming, beautiful, thoughtful, and
what was ten thousand times more important, had
an exquisite figure. Still Mathilda decided to see
the thing through, clear down to the bottom, and
get the facts. То Mathilda, the thought of a man
and woman, though married, living together and
not loving each other was noxious. This was, of
course, а rather peculiar thing for Mathilda to
think. Peculiar because she was thinking it a hun-
dred years too soon. In another hundred years
everybody would be thinking it . . . at Јсаві, so
Mathilda reflected. And, it will be seen at once
that she was exactly right. As her favorite
snappy story writer, Н. L. Mencken, put it: “The
commonsense of one age is the nonsense of the
next.”
During the course of the evening she got to
like Mrs. Ralston trcmendously, even grew a little
confidential with her.
“Didn’t your husband come?” asked Mathilda
after a time.
“No,” replied Mrs. Ralston, a little sadly, “he
seldom goes anywhere with me. . . . I'm afraid
he’s tiring of me." Mrs. Ralston suddenly
stopped, but Mathilda’s bright, sympathetic eyes
10
encouraged her. “Гта afraid that we're growing
away from each other. Not that I’m one of those
silly ‘misunderstood’ wives. I think that ‘misun-
derstood’ wives are impossible persons who simply
do not try to understand their husbands. Down
deep, I love him as much as ever, and I think that
he does me, too . . . but there's something—it’s
just started lately.” Mathilda tried not to wince
as Mrs. Ralston went on: “You know, sometimes
I think of a husband as a sort of orchestra leader
—the success or failure of marriage is more or less
up to him. Throughout the ages he’s always been
the—er—well, for want of a better word, ‘aggres-
sor. He's the one that sets the tempo, brings out
the rhythm ; when he ceases to do so, the orchestra
of love just naturally stops. Women, I’m afraid,
are better singers than directors; that is why they
cannot supply the music without encouragement
and direction—or am I perfectly silly . . . ?"
“I should say
that you are
not silly,” re-
sponded Math-
ilda warmly. “I
think it’s a very
odd idea, but
decidedly inter-
esting withal.
June,
I'd like to pursue the thing further. You believe
that а woman is a sort of a delicate instrument
whieh when played upon understandingly, renders
up beautiful things, but when untouched by the
musician, or played deceitfully, uninterestedly, gets
out of tune and unlovely.”
“Exactly,” agreed Mrs. Ralston, “and then, the
unfortunate part of it is that the musician blames
the instrument for its inability, when his mind is
elsewhere as he plays it. I'll admit that it sounds
a little illogical, as though I suspected women of
having no initiative; but then, just as there are
some things women cannot do, there are many
things men cannot do. I think it’s perfectly silly
to consider both sexes equally capable of running
the whole gamut of human possibilities.”
"You're quite right," agreed Mathilda seri-
ously, “and your theory is the most interesting
one upon the subject of this badly breaking down
marriage institution of ours
that I have heard so far... not
excepting Joe Hergesheimer's
wild cracks. Would you mind
giving me your telephone num-
ber . . . itis possible
that I should like to get
in touch with you again
sometime .. .”
Mathilda’s voice trailed
off vaguely ... per-
haps, she thought
quickly, she had
gone too far; but
The following after-
noon, Mathilda sat in
the office with Mr.
Ralston and listened to
him making love to her.
1927
not so. Mrs. Ralston smilingly gave her the num-
ber.
Presently the party was at an end. Mathilda
said good bye to Mrs. Ralston, and promised to
get in touch with her some day.
HE following afternoon, Mathilda sat in the
office with Mr. Ralston, long after the others
had gone, and listened to him making love to her.
Finally he wound up with an impassioned plea
for a little love nest . . . a haven for just the
two of them—or, at the very least, a date for that
night.
“АП right," said Mathilda, her sudden agree-
ment cracking out in the still room like a pistol
shot.
“Whaaaat!” gasped Mr. Ralston in bewilder-
ment. “You really mean... !”
“I have said ‘all right, " repeated Mathilda,
calmly and firmly.
It was all Mr. Ralston could do to keep to his
He sputtered and fussed. He felt like a
man who had dropped a bare hook into a barren
stream intending to doze upon the bank, and sud-
denly jerked up a ninety-eight pound sailfish. He
had just been idly practicing, and here it seemed
that he had gotten off some wonderful masterpiece
of special pleading, all unknown to himself. He
tried frantically to remember what he had said—
he would always use the same formula hereafter
. . . but he couldn't remember. In the middle
of his confusion which amounted almost to syn-
cope, Mathilda arose.
“You know where I live. I'll expect you in, say,
two hours.”
“You little angel, I—”
“Үо/ be there then, in two hours?”
“Wild horses couldn’t—”
“Better take a taxi.”
On the way home, Mathilda stopped at a tele-
phone booth and made a hurried call; then, con-
tinuing to her little one room and kitchenette
apartment in The Building Where Nobody Cared,
she proceeded to dissolve ninety-eight cents worth
of bath salts in a tub of warm water and slip like
a slim, white mermaid into the scented concoction.
Splashing around hurriedly, she jumped out and
briskly turned her paper white complexion into a
pink carnation shade with a rough Turkish towel.
Attiring herself in the softest and filmiest of
negligées, she sat down to read until Ralston
should arrive.
chair.
[аф йаг "
Presently the little miniature ’phone upon the
wall rang shrilly But it was not Ralston.
Another wait of half an hour, however, and it
rang again ; this
time it was Ral-
ston. She spoke
to him a
little breathless-
ly over the
*phone.
“Do you mind
if I—er—don’t
turn on the
lights when you
come in, |...”
“I under-
stand perfect-
ly," came back
Ralston's ecsta-
tic tones. “ГІ
be up in a jiffy.’
Mathilda
heard the auto-
matic elevator
stop in the hall
outside. She
snapped off the
lights. There
was a repressed
m
TR
ІІ
knock at the
door.
*Come in,"
she called,
softly.
“What do you mean now?” cried The door
Ralston, white to the lips. opened and
closed. It was black as pitch inside the room.
Presently Ralston felt a soft form in his arms. He
sought warm lips and pressed them ardently. In-
triguing perfume played the devil with his senses.
Somewhere on the same floor somebody was play-
ing a piano, gently. Otherwise there was no sound.
“You angel,” breathed Ralston.
There was no reply.
“Never mind,” he said; “I understand .. .
perfectly.”
Precious minutes passed. The piano suddenly
stopped. After a time Ralston felt mute fingers
propelling him toward the door. Wordlessly, a
little bewildered, he opened it, and when he would
have turned back for one last kiss it was closed
behind him, and he found himself alone in the hall.
12
R ALSTON naturally suspected that Mathilda
would not come down to work the following
day. Stenographers, the best of them, had a way
of taking liberties . . . after kisses. But she
came, promptly at nine.
Ralston arose and hurried toward her.
thilda, I love you . .
of emotion.
“Nonsense,” snapped Mathilda.
“You can say that, after the way you kissed
me?”
“Idiot, I didn’t kiss you.”
“What?”
“Absolutely not. - I was just trying out a
little experiment all my own. I let your wife in
оп it . . . invited her to my apartment. It was
she you kissed.’ ’
Ralston gasped.
“Exactly.”
“Then you’ve ruined everything between my wife
and me; she’ll suppose that I went there to meet
you.”
“Not at all . . . she supposed that she сате
to meet a boy friend of hers.”
“Му God!” shouted Ralston. “Who was it she
thought she was to meet? ГІ kill him. ГІ kill
myself. РП—”
“You ass, you'll do nothing of the kind. If you
try to start anything, I'll tell her the real reason
why you were there, and that it was you, instead
of the man she expected.”
“But how did she know you—how did—?”
“One moment will suffice to explain if you'll lis-
ten. I met your wife at the Covington Tea, to
which I was invited as the result of a little in-
triguing upon my part. I could see that she was
crazy about a chap there. I got into her con-
“Ма-
> he breathed in an excess
“Do you mean to say—?”
June,
fidence, agreed to help her—told her you wouldn't
care because you had been making love to me."
"Not care! Why, damn you, my wife is every-
thing in the world to me—you despicable little
hussy . . . you're fired.”
“Impossible, Mr. Ralston. I mailed you my
resignation last night. I see the envelope there
upon your desk; it was there before you spoke.”
“АП right—go—go—get out of my sight.
Ohhhhhhhh you've broken up my home—
youve . . .”
“Then you really cared for your wife?”
“Really cared for her—why, she was the only
woman in the world—always will be—I’ll hunt
down this man and kill him.”
“Then you really never loved me at all.”
“Don’t be silly. I was never anything but
mildly interested in you."
“Mildly—you have added new force to the word.
However, I won't leave you to suffer. I have
absolutely no grudge against you. I was just
doing a little experimenting upon my own account
. and, as а matter of fact, I think both you
and your wife will benefit—that is, unless you re-
fuse to give me an excellent recommendation if fu-
ture employers of mine should require it.”
“What do you mean now!” cried Ralston, white
to the lips.
*Simply this: it wasn't your wife whom you
kissed in my apartment... it was I, right
enough. And now I should say both of us are
considerably wiser, are we not?”
“You’re darn tootin’,” mumbled Ralston, wiping
his brow, and heaving a sigh that nearly blew the
door shut after Mathilda as she left.
The Inland Bard
By Epwarp W. BARNARD
[SING the sea, the Seven Seas I sing;
The Arctic wave that willy-nilly flows
Тағай rue precincts, and at times is full
Of what I hear are very chilly floes.
I sing them all.
Sargasso.
I sing the seas lit by the Southern Cross,
The seas thdt lave their lovely coral isles;
The seas begemmed by green palm-garlanded
And, some have said, not wholly moral isles.
Spanish Main.
In ode and sonnet; metres various;
І even sometimes sing of mal de mer,
Of pirates and their craft nefarious.
I hymn Poseidon, and apostrophize
The tresses of an unbobbed Nereid!
I haven't counted them, but think by now
Му sea-songs must approach a myriad.
I don't, and never did, и understand
Why many people madly flee a sea,
When it has been for years my dearest hope
That some day І at last shall see a sea.
1927 H
f:
g
[иш
qu month our good friend Dora, whose flatheaded proclivities уош have followed from
month to month in the pages of LAUGHTER, reads up on the science of recording gene-
alogies and blazoning arms, better known as heraldry. Her visualizations of the various terms
are, if not very accurate, at least amusing.
==
\ 1 aN an a есе ПЕШ,
SIN
eS 6 9
IER
WO half notes
treble clef,
A graceful G, a manly F,
(Their key was C sharp
minor )
Exchanged the vows that lov-
ers know
In whispered pianissimo,
All unaware that down below
There lurked a bass de-
signer—
A sharp who'd vainly tried to
1000
Our heroine, the ingenue;
But now, an outcast rebel,
One night within the music case
He climbed into the higher
space
And pulled our hero from his
place
Up in the tinkling treble.
And there the bass note basely
stayed
Until at last the simple maid
Whose coldness Һайт?
chased him,
Her lovely visage turned to me
With eyes that begged so ear-
nestly
though it spoiled ту
melody,
I ruthlessly erased him.
That,
Then all the notes burst into
view,
The ones of note from notes’
“Who’s Who,”
The sad notes and the
droll notes,
I placed our hero by her side,
in the
At once the marriage knot was
tied,
And now the half notes, groom
and. bride,
Have joined the happy
whole notes.
—Hvenu Моор.
A
Changed Overnight
“Are you а dry or a wet?”
“I was wet last night, but
since I got bailed out I’m dry.”
|
Ілттік Сав:
June,
He Said a Mouthful
Till: “I think Sara is too
dumb for words.”
Bill: *No woman is too dumb
for words."
=>
The Sickly Child
Bobbie: “You ain’t half as
strong as me.”
Willie: “I can’t help it. I
was born in a hospital.”
HOSIERY
Mother, where are the women who belong to those legs?
1927
Her Own Opinions
HE—I think you ought to
have your own opinions
about everything—don't you
think you should?
Не — Absolutely,
right.
Sue—I was talking to a
frightfully intelligent man the
other day who said the trouble
with everybody was that they
just took other peoples’ opin-
ions on everything and never
had any of their own.
Hr—That's the trouble, all
right.
Sue—Well, I really think
there is something in what he
said, don't you?
Hr— Absolutely.
Sur—I mean he got me
quite excited about the idea of
having your own opinions be-
cause he sort of thinks differ-
ently about everything, do you
know what I mean?
He—You bet—he’s right.
Sue—I mean I really got an
entirely new idea of lots of
things from talking to him and
everything.
He—Sure—you would.
Sur—And һе really con-
vinced me practically all my
ideas were all wrong on lots of
things.
He—Well,
of course.
Sxue—But I mean the point
of it all was that you ought to
have your own opinions and
not take anybody else’s about
everything, the way most peo-
ple do.
Hr—Wel, I think that's
quite right.
Suz—Don’t you, though? I
mean after talking with him I
really felt as if I had my own
opinions on things for the first
time, do you know what I
mean? --Ілоүр Maver.
you’re
that’s possible,
15
“The club is becoming more plebian every season;—l've noticed another
married pair who have been dancing together all evening.”
Not Reel
“Oh, isn’t that dreadful!”
cried the girl, upon seeing pic-
tures of the flood in the news
reel.
“Don’t be silly,” said her
companion; “it’s only a movie.”
Playful Ronald
Doting Mater: “Ronald, as
a child, used to play with
dolls.”
Ronald’s College Chum (in-
nocently): “And stil does,
y'know.”
16
HOOKED!
Out Hollywood Way
OVIE DIRECTOR:
*Please now, Mr. Mor-
ris, show more emotion. That
woman is dying."
Mr. Morris: *Sorry I can't
register, but that woman is my
first wife and I owe her three
months’ alimony.”
A
Embarrassing
Simpson: “—and she lost
her equilibrium but of course I
wàs' too much of a gentleman
to mention it!”
Лета
ut.GoRD.
MALLACE
Awaiting Developments
“Where are you and that
architect friend of yours going
on your vacation?”
“We dont know yet. His
wife makes all his plans.”
<>
Introduction
“бау, Jackons, come over
here a minute. I want you to
meet Paul Jinkons."
*Oh, I know Jinkons. We
used to read my paper together
on the 5:15.”
June,
No Answer to This
IRST FLAP: “Му boy
friend knows his way all
over this country, but he writes
me that he is puzzled in Bos-
ton.”
Second Flap: “I had an un-
cle who was riddled in Chi-
cago.”
ж
Couldn't Do That!
*Did you try counting sheep
for your insomnia?”
“Gracious, no, I’m a vegeta-
rian.”
<>
Proof of Insanity
“J think I can have you
proved insane,” said the lawyer
to his client, who had murdered
someone. “PI tell the judge
you go to wrestling matches
and think they are all on the
square."
<
Misconstrued
Bill: “Where һауе you
been?”
Till: “Out walking.”
Bill: “Who did you out-
walk?”
And she’s just the chaperone!
1927
Do They Fit?
Prof: *Did you know that
the average size of a boy's
mouth is bigger than that of a
girl?”
Stude: “No sir. Shall I
„ather a few statistics?”
First SHE:
Oh, I forgot to take of
my wrist watch!
Seconn Sue: You should worry!
The water won't hurt it. It’s
been in soak too often.
But They Might
Lose the Tickets
*Betting on
the races these
days?”
“Well, РЇЇ wa-
ger those Chi-
nese will soon
have things
ironed out!”
<>
That’s the
Limit
She: *Why
are you filling
up the gas
tank? І didn't
think we were
going for much
of a ride."
He: “Sol
can go as far
as I like."
Miss:
cross about?
What was your husband so
Mns: I snubbed his sweetie at the
dance last night.
The Forgetful Scotchman
Then there’s the story of the
absent-minded Scotchman who,
upon leaving the subway,
dropped a nickel in the coin-
box, so turned around and rode
back to his starting point.
<>
Side-Stepping Him
*Mary turned me down
when I asked her for another
dance!”
“Well, she knows her bun-
ions ?
>
Repartee
Mr: “You could never
stick to one man.”
Mrs: “No, and you're
that one, dearie.”
>
How, Indeed!
“But, dad, Hazel is such a
virtuous girl.”
“True, son, but how did you
discover it?”
<>
And Then Some
*[ can see your side all
right? said the censor to the
bathing girl.
>
Not So Blind
They call
them blind ti-
gers but they
always seem to
see the raiders
before they get
there.
<>
Manager:
*Can you do
the hula-hula?”
Actress: “ТЇЇ
take a whirl at
Ite?
му
ilg
Hostess:
early, Mr.
only ladies here as yet—you'll be
in great demand until the men
arrive!
So glad you came along
Joshkins—there are
The Test
De Style: “A fool can ask
more questions in a minute than
a wise man can answer in an
hour.”
Gunbusta: “бо you've been
tried out with one of those
Question and Answer books,
too, eh?”
>
Should Be More Careful
*I hear Harmony, the musi-
cian, was shot last night."
*What was the cause of the
shooting?"
*Oh, he was playing in the
wrong flat!"
18
Just a Part
E STYLE: *Is the wife
of that unbeliever his
better half?"
Gunbusta:
than that.”
De Style: “What do you
mean?”
Gunbusta: “She’s an eighth-
lest."
*No; she's less
<>
А Biography іп а Nut Shell
Born, welcomed, caressed,
cried, nourished, grew, amused,
studied, examined, graduated,
in love, loved, engaged, mar-
ried, quarreled, reconciled, suf-
fered, investigated, paid ali-
mony, taken ill, died, mourned,
buried, and forgotten.
Евер:
Told her the correspondence was full of mistakes iu spelling
and he couldn't stand for that.
Mrs. Евер: And what did she say?
Евер:
She said she was sorry; it was force of habit.
“What a glorious day!
Where shall we go?”
“Let’s go to the movies.”
His One Concern
Father: “So you
eh?”
Daughter (guiltily): “Yes.”
Father: “Save me the cou-
pons, will you?”
smoke,
The big chief fired his new stenographer this afternoon.
In her last
position she had been secretary to Milt Gross.
Extract From Natural
History
A brown bug sat on an elm-tree
bough
When the leaves were green
and new,
And he ate all day and he ate
all night,
For he'd nothing else to do;
Then came some men, and the
little bug
At his meal they chanced to
spy.
And they watched him chew for
an hour or $0
And resoloed that the bug
must die.
They brought a pump and a
rubber hose
And a barrel of poison stuff,
And they sprayed the twigs and
the roots and leaves,
And the bark so gray and
rough,
And they scraped the trunk till
it was bare,
And they looked at their work
with pride,
And the bug flew off to another
tree,
But the poor old elm-tree
died.
--Мікха Irvine.
1927
She Knew What She Wanted
“І don't care whether I
marry Tom, Dick or Harry so
long as I can have diamonds,
autos and furs.”
“Then you don’t want Tom,
Dick or Harry. You want
jack.”
<>
Eeeney, Меспеу
Есепеу meeney, miney, mo,
Hear the murderess’ tale of
woe;
If she cries hard, let her go,
Eeeney, meeney, miney mo.
<>
And Also the Windshield
He: “Bernard Shaw writes
plays on *busses.”
She: *Does he write on both
sides of them?”
SS
Faithless Creatures
She: “I have no confidence in
men.”
He: “Why not?”
She: “Every time I go to the
pictures with another boy I
find my boy there with some
other girl.”
If the baby really did take after
its mother and father.
GENTLY Gossirine HOSTESS:
Carry Visrron:
“I Was Just Going to Say—”
НЕ-те scenery is awfully
effective, isn't it?
Sue—I was just going to
say I thought the sets were aw-
fully pretty and effective!
He—Ethel Barrymore 18
really incomparable in her way,
don’t you think?
бне--І was just going to
say that in her way she’s really
incomparable!
Нк--І don't think I’ve ever
seen that actor what’s-his-name
before, have you?
Өне--І was just going to
say I didn’t think I’d ever seen
him before!
Don't you think Estelle sings with feeling?
Not for the neighbors.
Нк--Тһе theatre is ever-so-
much more real to me than the
movies.
Sur—I was just going to
say it seemed a lot more real
when you see the actors and
actresses, themselves, instead
of just their photographs!
Hz—I sort of hate to have
this play end, don't you?
Smr—I was just going to
say I hated the idea of it's all
being over so soon!
Hr—Do you know, I think
you're rather original!
Sur—I was just going to
say I thought you were!
—Luorp Mayex.
20
Reminiscences ofa
BAD MAN
By PARKE CUMMINGS
Illustrations by Russell Henderson
In this month’s article our modern
bad man goes abroad, intent upon
the assimilation of old world culture
—and whatever else he can pick up.
He is accompanied by his pal, Flan-
nagan, a practiced but less intellec-
tual crook.
IVERPOOL, where Flan-
L nagan and I landed on
our trip abroad, was
certainly an ugly place. А4
least the part we saw was. Fac-
tories and docks and squalid
slums—a typical commercial
factory town of the twentieth
There wasn't any money to get.
It makes me wonder if
this modern age with all its ma-
chines and inventions and big
business is really worth the can-
dle. Aren’t we losing the High-
er Things? Don’t we need
beauty above everything else?
At any rate that’s the way it
seemed to one of my sensitive
nature, and so we decided to go‘
to London at once.
The trip there was a dull one
except for the novelty of the
English railway. They cer-
tainly run their trains at terrific
century.
y, Soe
June,
Се)
All we had to do was to tell him а
joke and lift his watch while he
figured it out.
speed. It made me nervous.
Being used to cracking safes in
Chicago, I don’t like to take
chances. When we arrived in
“dear old Lunnon,” as Flanna-
gan jokingly calls it, we put up
at the Savoy, feeling very flush,
and decided to see the sights. I
was all for calling on the Prince
of Wales at once, inasmuch as
I have always been interested in
horsemanship, but at the palace
they told me that he was out
А
у"
It was all being sent to America for the debts as soon аз it came in.
1927
riding at the time. Accordingly
I gave up the idea of seeing
him and, instead, sent him a
bottle of arnica with my card
attached.
The next week or so Flanna-
gan did nothing but take in all
the night life and the beer par-
lors, but I spent most of my
time seeing the real points of in-
terest: Saint Paul's, the Tower,
the Houses of Parliament,
Westminster Abbey, and Lon-
don Bridge. I told Flannagan
afterwards that I had seen Lon-
don Bridge, and what did he do
but come out with: “Yeah?
And do they play like we do?”
He simply will not learn. I
was so impressed with the Abbey
that I had planned to take a
trip through England and see
the other great Gothic Cathe-
drals, Lincoln, York, Salisbury,
Winchester, Gloucester and oth-
ers, but Flannagan and I de-
cided that business came first.
His jaunts to the theatres and
clubs were beginning to make
serious inroads in our purse.
We found an easy one. All
we had to do was to go up to an
Englishman and tell him a joke.
He would be so stunned and so
intent on getting the point that
we could go through his pockets
without his even noticing it.
However, Flannagan got fooled
one day while attempting this.
It seems that some of these
Englishmen have a sense of hu-
This one evidently had,
because he laughed immediately
and came back with a joke at
Flannagan. The funny part
was that Flannagan couldn’t
get it, and the other fellow
picked Flannagan’s pocket. I
sure gave him the razz—I mean
to say I certainly poked fun at
him afterwards for that. But
he couldn't take a joke and
mor.
claimed that the other fellow
must have heard the story be-
fore to get it so quick.
But of course we were inter-
ested in big money, and decided
that we’d have to try a good-
sized bank. So we got a set of
tools from some friends of ours
who had been working in Lon-
RH
”
21
Т was now spring and we de-
cided to take a trip up to
Scotland, inasmuch as I, being
a keen sportsman, was anxious
to play golf on some of the fam-
ous old courses. For a few
months I took lessons from the
pros up there and got so I could
turn in a creditable score, even
Flanagan’s idea was to sell fake stocks—in Scotland! Imagine that!
don, and went to work. Well,
you ought to be able to guess
what the trouble was. There
wasn't any money to get. It
was all being sent to America
for the debts as soon as it came
in. We discovered that the
only thing to do was to get it
on the road as it was being sent
to the various ships. ‘This
worked better, and we made
quite a few good hauls, even if
we did have to kill а couple of
people doing it. They got
Scotland Yard on our trail and
then we knew that we were per-
fectly safe.
though I did have an awful time
breaking myself of not counting
а couple of strokes a hole. But
Flannagan didn't realize that
this was purely a recreational
trip and tried to combine busi-
ness with it. His idea was to
sell fake stocks. Well, that fel-
low certainly is a wonder be-
cause after two months’ work
in Scotland he managed to
make $1.78 in our money. I
didn't think he had it in him.
And he did it in Aberdeen too!
(Continued on page 59)
22 June,
“2 The LOSS
This is the jolly old skipper's tale
Of the singular loss of the "Nightingale."
The breeze was as hot as a breath from hell
Off the sultry Caribbees—
A sickening sun and an
oily swell
And oh my hearties we
drained the lees.
A n
ІК с)
1 xX Ж
Verses T
ELIOT STONE
1927 E
of the “Nightingale”
A ship came sailing out of space,
And it bore the Jolly Powder Puff
And Lip-Sticks crossed on a maiden's face,
Апа we piled on sail and we tried to luff.
The rover grappled us deck to deck,
And over our side poured a natty crew.
Blast me, we welcomed them neck to neck,
Such jolly lasses man never knew!
We surrendered the vessel without a blow,
And the rollicking crew swarmed everywhere,
Sounds came fore and aft, aloft and alow,
"Careful, dear, or you'll muss my hair."
The swellest maidens man ever saw,
And they took the " Nightingale," they did.
And of their Skipper I stood in
awe—
The swaggering Captain Kandy
Kid.
Be the weather calm or blowing a
gale
This is the jolly old skipper's tale.
Decorations by
ке NORTH STUART
24
Equipped!
Yes, a college education is a very useful thing;
It’s surprising what advantages the deeper studies bring.
With the history of Persia and of Egypt in your dome
a
You possess, of course, ascendency on other folks at home.
And respect must be accorded, I feel sure you will agree,
To the fellow who can lightly speak of relativity.
And a thorough comprehension of the subtleties of Kant
Will enable you to view things with a slightly diffrent slant.
An acquaintance, too, with Chaucer and with Spencer’s “Faery Queen”
Is a fancy piece of knowledge to have resting in your bean.
If to everything be added all your Latin and your Greek,
You can start in at the office right at eighteen bucks a week.
—ARTHUR NEALE.
June,
Thoughts of a Girl Rehears-
ing in a Junior League Show
OSH I never heard of any-
thing so unjust in my
life my legs are ten times pret-
tier than Sylvia’s and I dance
a thousand times better every-
body says so yet that poison-
ous coach person picks her for
all the solo dancing parts it’s
the most unjust thing in the
world well it’s just because
Sylvia makes up to him the
beastly little flirt she’s always
getting round men that way
making eyes at them and flirt-
ing disgustingly she’s utterly
shameless she'd flirt with a
garbage man the vulgar little
mutt and there’s that divine
part of the wronged young
wife in that sketch in the sec-
ond act I could do that heaps
better than Grace she’s as
wooden as a billboard and she
can’t act for a damn well it’s
just jealousy that keeps them
from giving me any decent
parts in this show I guess ГЇЇ
resign from it anyways I’m too
good to go hopping round in
just these chorus numbers with
foul partners who dance like
they had been kicked in the
shins by a mule or something
well here goes for this nauseat-
ing Spanish number again you
might know they'd put me in
the back row and me with the
best looking legs in the crowd
too it's the damndest outrage
actually Pm so mad I could
spit if that vile Lemuel Mc-
Tavish calls this thing the
Junior Leg Show again РЇЇ go
nuts...
—Luoyp Mayer.
RA
A Pressing Question
Should a Fireman roll his
hose? :
1927
Modernized
URTIVELY, the man came
into the presence of his
wife, and he sought to evade
her kiss of greeting by foolishly
flippant observations and a
turning aside of his handsome
face.
But she persisted. Coming
closer, she leaned forward, pal-
pitantly lovely, for the oscu-
latory impact.
'Then it was that suspicion
flamed to instant life in her eyes,
a moment before so softly lus-
trous. With a violent start, she
shrank from him. Her voice,
high-keyed and accusing,
pierced the stillness with all the
sharpness of a cry at midnight.
“You’ve been drinking—you
brute!” she fairly screamed.
ОО
Т
А
SENTIMENTAL Wire: Dearest, promise that if I die, уои won’t marry
again.
BRUTE:
Shamefacedly,
Of course I wont, darling.
Гое had my lesson.
mutely, һе
hung his head before the damn-
ing arraignment.
He seemed
qw
Out on a bust!
slowly shrivelling before the
scathing bitterness of her voice.
“You brute, you brute, you
brute!” she flung at him. “Your
slinking manner proves it. You
have been drinking!”
Silently, he nodded an affirm-
ative, while his face showed
drawn and haggard.
Suddenly, the flood gates
were lifted for the tortured
woman. There came blessed
tears, in abundance, to bring
her surcease for her wounded
feelings.
Miserably, the man watched
her until, after a time, there
came a degree of coherency.
“You’re a brute!” she
stormed, “a miserable, s-selfish
brute! Wh-why didn't you
b-bring some home?”
—Manion E. Burns.
CEST
History Repeats Itself
Remember the old story-book
stuff about an eagle carrying
off a child of six? "S'funny
how history repeats itself—an
old man of eighty (years and
millions) carried off the
other day by a chicken two
doors from us.
was
26
тате
KC
СТ
UTR TIT CUT Ra
The snakes' hips.
Why He Stopped
RUNAWAY horse was
stopped by a Brooklyn
schoolboy who waved a white
handkerchief in front of it.
We can only suppose that the
animal was surprised to see a
schoolboy with such a hand-
kerchief.
>
All Wet
First Resorter: “Did you
have your morning swim?”
Second Ditto: “No.
just eating grapefruit.”
П was
>
Going Round an’ Round
Aleck: “Why is Uriah so
awfully dizzy?”
Zander: *He's been reading
a lot of circular letters.”
<>
Choose Your Own Weapons
“Bobby, I'm going to whip
you.”
“Well, if you must do it,
daddy, do you mind using
mummy’s shoulder strap?”
Putting Papa Right
Father (crashing in on pet-
ters): “This is shocking!”
Ellen: “Turn on the switch,
Gerald. Dad is viewing this
thing in a bad light.”
Mac:
MARILLYN:
them!
June,
Gold! Gold! Gold!
First Tramp. *What's goin’
on in that there farmhouse over
there?”
Second Tramp: “Fella back
at the village said there was a
golden wedding being pulled off
out this way. This must be
tee
First Tramp: “Curse these
capitalists !”
sS
In His Berth
The passenger aboard the ship
Feels qualmish at each lurch
and dip.
And as the cabins pitch and
roll,
Oh, how he longs for berth-
control!
Don’t your folks care if you neck?
Oh, it's necks to nothing with
1927
The Kiddies’ Cute
Compendium
L ITTLE Li-o-nel is in the
gar-den. What is little
Li-o-nel doing in the gar-den,
Du-du? Is he work-ing, Bill?
Bob says he is play-ing in the
gar-den. What is little Li-o-
nel playing, Jackie? Jackie
says little Li-o-nel is play-ing
hell with the be-au-ti-ful flow-
ers Mother has so care-ful-ly
planted. What fun!
Kx
'The Modern Set
*Do you remember the first
boy that kissed you?"
*Look here, I want a decent
evening's entertainment, not a
course in Ancient History."
A
Not Intoxicating
*Did you get any kick out
of kissing Dorothy?"
“Kick? Why, man, my
shins aren't well yet!”
<>
Тту This on Your Piano
Song Hit: She was an Or-
ganist's Daughter and I Had
to Make Her Pipe Down.
>
Right оп the Avenue?
Mabel of the chorus says she
saw the sweetest thing in silk
underwear on Fifth Avenue the
other day. These modern
fashions are going a bit too
far.
<>
Не Had the Right Dope
He: *Have you ever smoked
opium?”
She: “I hop to tell you!”
Her berthright.
Imagination Unnecessary
Bet: “Just imagine being
kissed by Tom!”
Let: “I don’t have to.”
>
Clever Rose
A brainy young lady named
Rose,
Annoyed at the high price of
clothes,
By means of a pencil,
Some paint, and a stencil,
Dispensed with them all except
hose!
The Surest Way
Dolly: “Jane is being mar-
ried next week. Га like to
give her something to remember
me by.”
Maude: “Don’t give her
anything, she'll remember you
longer.”
Ss
Snappy and to the Point
Slogan for dictionary pub-
lisher: When words fail you,
look us up.
28
Putting up a bold front.
Movie of a Man Who Has
Sworn Off Cigarettes
| s morning cup of
coffee, reaches in left side
pocket, and remembers just in
time. Reflects that the only
logical and safe way to do is to
cut down gradually. Lights
cigarette and enjoys it tremen-
dously. Walks to morning train
and through sheer force of will
abstains from smoking. Gets
into bridge game in the smoker
and is playing three no trumps
doubled before he knows it. For-
gets resolution and smokes ciga-
rette to steady him down. Makes
four on the hand and smokes
another to conceal his satisfac-
tion. Smokes two more during
remainder of trip.
Arrives at office and immedi-
ately puts cigarettes in back of
bottom desk drawer. Reads
June,
noted psychology authority re-
cently stated that smokers are
found to be steadier and more
dependable workers than non-
smokers. Says “Really?” and
lights a cigarette. Makes men-
tal note not to smoke in the
mail and learns that the Hansen evening. Only smokes two or
deal is about to go through. Re- 21 em г three more
flects that by going without a $ Umm bal
smoke during the afternoon he P i dinner
will still be considerably below J % time. For-
his average. 2 _ lj gets reso-
Smokes cigarette Alp i lution af-
and follows it with i l^ ter dinner
another one when af Í and lights
he discovers that up. Be
the Government comes ab-
appears to be find- ! sorbed in
ing fault with his ¥% novel and
tax returns. Ab- - opens sec-
stains rigorously ond pack.
until lunch. Reads ; : Retires
paper and secs ad Ze fogats Me tein qi бев.
depicting а young thirty
man deriving unbelievable en- with uncomfortably sore
joyment from his own brand of
cigarette. Smokes several dur-
ing course of meal. Reads
editorial in favor of modi-
fication of the Eighteenth
Amendment. Reflects that the
sensible man avoids extremes of
under-indulgence as well as over-
indulgence. Continues smoking.
Goes back to office and goes
through the self-denial practise
for an hour and a half. Talks
with Al who remarks that a
throat and resolves to lay off
cigarettes.
Next morning he finishes cup
of coffee, reaches in left side
pocket and so on, and so on,
without end.
--Равке Сомміксв.
Dump your
Newspapers
Here
2
CAZ hnt
Cleaning up the dirt.
1927
in
Laughter
Will reGurn
15 minutes
{г
Й
І dont think
1 can wait
that long
7
The absent-minded professor leaves his office—and returns.
Speaking of Love
HE—I wonder if anybody
really knows what love is?
He—Well, I suppose not,
but of course love always en-
tails sacrifice.
Sur—What does “entail”
mean?
He—Well, it means—er—
it’s the same thing as saying
you can’t love anybody without
sacrificing something.
Surz—What an odd and un-
attractive idea!
He—But if you really care
about anybody don't you think
you're willing to make sacri-
fices for them?
Suk— That's just like a man
—men are the most selfish
brutes in the world. Every
man you meet expects you to
begin to want to give up every-
thing for him. I don't think
love is a bit like you say it is.
He—What’s your idea of
it?
Sue—Well, it must be some-
thing that just thrills you and
carries you away, sort of—but
I mean you don't have to give
up anything for it because I
mean I could never possibly
give up anything I'm used
to to love anybody, because
I think girls who do just
live to regret it and—
Hre—Don’t you
want to marry?
Ж
диш, (in idle conversation) :
Вил: I can’t quite see why myself.
Sur—Oh, of course—but
what on earth has that got to
do with love?
--Ілоүр Mayer.
Why do they call a woman a skirt?
30
Ч
EDITORIAL
O, we wonder, the members
in good standing of the
current Younger Generation re-
alize to the full the marvelous
age in which it is now living, the
glorious advantages it enjoys?
А score or so years ago, some
of us sere and yellow leaves re-
call, life held forth practically
nothing, nothing to cause the
eye to grow bright, the bloom
to appear upon the cheek.
'There was, of course, the Nan
Patterson affair, but that,
judged from modern standards,
was pretty unsatisfactory.
Harry and Evelyn did their bit
—a goodish bit, too—to make
this old world brighter, and
there was the Becker case—al-
most wholly devoid of sex ap-
peal. And then settled down
long, drab, dragging years.
Small wonder so many boys and
girls of the nineteen hundreds
now fill premature graves.
But today! The swift course
of events, the glorious rush of
©
life! The Stillmans and the
Stokeses and the Rhinelanders
and the Snyders and the Grays!
And even now some quiet-eyed
little woman is sitting at home
drawing up her affidavits or
whetting her knife, patiently
waiting for the latest flurry to
subside so she may have the
front pages all to herself.
Ah, Youth, Youth!
OLITICS is not our field,
yet а situation may arise
before very many more months
which should be a call to arms
for every red-blooded American
he-man and she-woman. We re-
fer to the possible failure of
Calvin Coolidge to succeed him-
self to the presidency.
Mr. Coolidge will doubtless
have small trouble in finding a
job, but the Official Spokesman
is another matter. It would be
unthinkable that this mute—
well, perhaps not exactly that—
but inglorious Milton be per-
June,
mitted to retire to obscurity, for
here is the very pattern of self-
sacrificing patriotism. Shelter-
ing himself behind an obvious
nom-de-plume, claiming no
glory and no monetary reward,
he has given his all for years to
the public weal.
Here is a man of quick deci-
sions, of sterling character and
a certain sociability of nature
which enables him to mix readily
with all classes, a trait which
his confidant and friend, Mr.
Coolidge, unfortunately lacks.
And, with this last especially in
mind and with the examples of
Judge Landis and Mr. Hays be-
fore us, we believe we have the
very job for him.
Let us combine two depart-
ments and make the Spokesman
Czar of Organized Kelly Pool
and Five and Ten Draw Poker.
UDGING from the Mexican,
Chinese and Nicaraguan
situations, America’s foreign re-
lations are distinctly of the in-
law type.
NE George B. Widmer, of
New York, seeking a sepa-
ration, charges that his wife
hurled at him an alarm clock, a
silver pitcher, a picture frame
and а telephone instrument.
The Widmers, it appears, can
always get jobs as comic strip
artists’ models.
HE specks under the wings
of a horsefly, Dr. L. O.
Howard has discovered, are
“so-called calypters or squa-
mae,” which news will come as a
tremendous surprise to all ex-
cept the horseflies who have
known it all along. It being
impossible, you know, to fool a
horsefly.
--Тне Eprrors.
31
lFauehtet
1927
LAUGHTER
2
"COMMO
SENGE
ALL OUT OF TUNE
92
It s history іп the Crescent League how Laureltown, with Hank McTea,
Won the season's pennant by a score of four to three—
Trimmed the team from Gallerup—won the flag and loving сир—
Promptly stopped all business and ordained a general spree.
Hank, it seems, possessed a curve, lots of speed and iron nerve;
Never had they lost a game when husky Hank had flung.
"Spitball Hank", erect and slim, was the city's God, and hymn,
Ballad, prayer, and carol to their favorite they'd sung.
Well, on this eventful day, with one inning more to play,
Gallerup had just three runs and Laureltown had four.
Gallerup was up at bat—bases full—none out at that—
Just a walk, a SINGLE then and Gallerup would score!
Hank was getting mighty riled—every ball was low or wild—
Even Hank's old "spitter" that had won him such renown
Wouldn't break across the plate— Hank would stall and hesitate—
Wipe his nose, hitch his hose or pull his jersey down.
"Chuck your spitter , Hank! 'they cried, “Chuck it shoulder-high, inside.
But helpless Hank just hung his head and wept into his mitt.
When suddenly he turned about and in an agonizing shout
Called to us, “Тһе game is lost—1I' m running out of spit!"
"T: Coarse it sounded, yes, and crude—but Hank 5 no educated stud
Ent and classy rhetoric with Hank don't make a hit.
Hank ain't been to school at all and what he squirts о!
to the ball
I dub as saliva, but to Hank it's merely .
f W tes
Жа» == с ы;
$
“е
ee D
ие,
How the bleachers and the stands worried over Henry s glands!
(Most of us had never even heard of glands before.)
When suddenly old Amos Gray hollered, "Boys, come оп this way—"
And fifty-seven rooters dived into his general store.
In a jiffy back they ran and at a signal every man
Sucked a luscious lemon with a swishing, squishing noise.
Lemon juice ran everywhere—lemon sucking filled the air—
And helpless Hank regained his swank and pennant-winning poise!
Every gland in helpless Hank's system seemed to holler "Thanks!"
All his wee Saliva ducts opened wide and clear.
Hank no longer suffered drought, but aided by this water-spout
Fanned the next three batters in a liquid atmosphere!
It's history in the Crescent League how Laureltown with Hank Mc-
Teague
Won the season's pennant by a score of four to three—
And Hank himself will proudly claim that final scientific game
Certainly turned out to be a gland old victory.
--Носн Woop
33
34
X
“I just brought some flowers up for Mr. Parkins.”
What's the Matter
With Baseball?
By ALGERNON FREE
Illustrations by North Stuart
“ W HELL!” yawned
Mr. Parkins, stretch-
ing and listening to
the rain just outside the win-
dow.
He turned over and looked at
his wife. She was quite a sight,
with a rubber bandage all over
her face, a silken “permanent
wave protector” over her hair.
He kicked her experimentally.
She sat up.
“Whuzzamatter?”
“Nothing,” he admitted, in
all fairness, not being able to
think up any valid reason for
having kicked her. And then
an idea occurred to him.
‘Don’t think ГЇЇ go to work
this morning,” he suggested,
also experimentally.
“You better,” she said sleep-
ily. “You might get fired if
you don’t.”
“Naw,” he denied. “You
*phone the boss that I'm sick.
And if you had any dates for
the day you can call the fellas
up and tell "em everything's off,
your husband's home.”
Mrs. Parkins was now very
wide awake.
*Why, what do you mean,
you low down—”
“Wait, wait," interrupted
Mr. Parkins. “You'll spoil my
youthful illusions if you finish
115
June,
*How dare you say such a
thing," she stormed.
*Well, you don't do all this
fixing up pretty just so's I will
fall in love with you some more,
do you—an' you don't do it for
other women to see—there must
be a reason. I think ГЇЇ stay
home today and have a look at
the mailman, and the butcher,
and the milkman, and the jani-
tor and—”
Mrs. Parkins clouted him and
got up. She stretched. Began
unstrapping her face, her hair.
Lazily Mr. Parkins watched
her. Stage by stage she be-
came the beautiful little thing
that had tempted him to split
his salary 75-25 for the rest of
his life.
“Сіуе us a kiss, kid," he
asked, still experimentally.
“No,” she pouted. But he
caught her. Pretty she cer-
tainly was, when she got organ-
ized. Lovely golden hair, beau-
tifully dyed. Red little lips
that made up excellently. Skin
that was like a lily petal, when
it was properly powder dusted.
Slim, solid little figure like a
boy's.
Half an hour later she called
the boss for her husband. She
knew the boss personally. Had
met him at one of the idiotic
employees’? banquets the firm
He kicked her ewperimentally.
1927
was always staging to give the
executives a chance to speech-
machen.
*Good morning, Mr. Grotz,"
she said sweetly; “I’m ever so
sorry to have to report that my
husband wil not be down to-
дау; he's very ill.”
“That so," sympathized Mr.
Grotz. *Well, that's all right,
just so he don't pull it too
often. Tell him I’m sorry to
hear he's ill and that I think it
will clear up in time for the
game."
Mrs. Parkins reported this
“Tell her I’m around the grounds
soméwhere.”
conversation to her consort.
“Game nothing,” he observed ;
“don’t want to see no game.
Going to stay home.”
T was two o’clock that after-
noon when the front door
bell rang. Mrs. Parkins called
down the tube.
“My God! It’s Mr. Grotz!”
she reported. “He’s coming up.
Hurry, get out into the kitchen
and let’s see what the old coot’s
up to. Maybe I can kid him
along a bit and get him to give
you a raise. I'll tell him you
went to the doctor."
*Gee! And he just married a
slick looking steno from the of-
fice six months ago!” com-
mented Mr. Parkins, his faith
in humanity sadly shaken.
As Mr. Grotz opened the
front door, Mr. Parkins closed
the door between the kitchen
and dining room. He could,
however, hear the conversation
going on in the parlor.
“How do you do, Mrs. Par-
kins,” greeted Mr. Grotz. “I
just brought some flowers up
for Mr. Parkins. Nothing
cheers up a sick person like
flowers. And I thought maybe
he might like some candy too—
so I brought along a five-pound
box of Fanny May’s.”
“So thoughtful of you, Mr.
Grotz. He’s out at the doctor’s
right now.” \
“Не won't be back until
about five o'clock," predicted
Mr. Grotz. “It’s cleared up,
and they had the ground pro-
tected with one of those new
rubber cloth things."
“Oh, but—” began Mrs. Par-
kins.
“It’s perfectly all right with
me,” stated Mr. Grotz. “Don’t
worry; ГЇЇ not say anything to
him—and, I been thinking of
raising his salary—ever since I
met you.”
“Oh, Mr. Grotz,” she tit-
tered. Mr. Parkins, in the
kitchen, recognized that titter.
It was a definite part of Mrs.
Parkins’ repertoire. Presently
she came into the kitchen with
the explanation that she must
get the flowers into water before
they wilted.
*Whatll I do?" she whis-
pered excitedly to Mr. Parkins.
“You have a conscience of
your own,” he reminded her;
“we could use a raise. I’m
going to the ball game, at that
--І can just make it. Get me
my hat and bring it out here.”
Mr. Parkins hurried down to
the elevated station. But in-
"Don't you ever give your servants
an afternoon off, Milly?”
stead of taking a south bound
train to Addison, he took a
north bound one to Evanston,
where ball games are considered
coarse. In the actions of Mr.
Parkins lies the solution to the
reason for the diminishing at-
tendance upon baseball games,
which is not at all due to the
fact that ballplayers are as
crooked as politicians, but to
the fact that ball playing is no
longer the National Pastime.
In Evanston, Mr. Parkins
scrutinized a "phone directory
and then called one of their
lemon-colored high-brow taxis
driven by collegs working their
way through the great univer-
sity located in that town, where
scientific salesmanship, plain
and fancy executiving, and
other liberal arts are taught.
“How de do, Mrs. Grotz,” he
was saying a few minutes later.
*H'lo, Parkins, old kid,"
greeted Mrs. Grotz ; *only don't
call me Mrs. Grotz, just call me
Milly like you used to.”
*Awri Milly, got anything
to drink—?”
“Can you stay awhile—?”
“биге.” :
*But why aren't you work-
ing today—?”
“Рт sick.”
*Yes, you are. Did you tell
(Continued on page 61)
3 June,
“My dear! You havent changed а ВІТ since we made mud-pies together."
Osculating a Woman His Zero Hour That Silenced Him
POSITIVELY detest kiss- “Do you think there will be Cartoonist: “I’ve а comic
ing! another great war soon?” strip that’s a wow!”
I have done it at times, but “Not if I can get home be- Cynical Editor: “Yes, Гуе
only under pressure, and al- fore eleven.” seen you in a bathing suit.”
ways I abhor it.
Nothing, for me, is more in-
ane—more distastefully insipid;
I shudder in silent agony each
time the ordeal is forced, by cir-
cumstance, upon me. I can
find no slightest satisfaction in
it.
The odious task is made dou-
bly so, for the reason that I
must compose my features into
a mask of seeming enjoyment,
while my very soul writhes and
recoils from the feminine oscu-
latory contact.
I shall always protest in-
wardly against the outrageous
practice.
But I adore kissing a man.
You see, I am a woman.
12
21%
© рет
Rastus: Doctah, be honest now—jest how sick am ah?
3 Doctor: Well, if you all don't die before mornin’ your chances
--Макюовк E. Borys. for recovery am about de same as dey is now.
1927
'The Man Next Door
“ТТ doesn’t pay to buy
cheap garters," said the
man next door. *I picked
some up the other day at a bar-
gain, and again that night at a
dance.”
Sartorial Worries
My daughter is a pert co-ed
She has more on than in her
head.
She used to wear her skirts, this
dove,
Below her knees; now they’re
above.
They're going higher day by
day,
I wonder where, at last,
they'll stay.
My son, too, is a college bo;
His trousers many months
ago
Above his ankles could be
found,
But now they drag upon the
ground.
Theyre going lower foot by
foot.
I wonder when they will stay
put.
They're costly, too, these pants
and gowns—
But kids will have their UPS
AND DOWNS.
—Е. P. Pirzer.
>
He Got It
The man who was so dis-
gusted with prohibition that he
quoted Patrick Henry’s famous
remark, “Give me liberty or
give me death” was given a
drink of government-treated
alcohol and got what he asked
for.
"My mother likes the head-cheese
in this delicatessen store."
"What's his name?"
“How do you get rid of
“Send my coat to the clean-
37
What Is Wrong with This
Sentence?
Kneeling, reverently, һе
pressed the hem of her gown to
his lips.
>
Тоо Short Notice
History "Teacher: *Can you
tell me anything of Virginia's
early history?"
Startled Romeo: *Ive only
known her a week!”
&®
Not in Evidence
Jack: “Does Jim’s wife
wear the pants?"
Mack: *Not that I have
seen.”
a
mised
Ѕотомох: Egad, what a life of boredom—naught but wine, women and song!
38
[Fa liter;
MI
Snapshot of the young lady who holds that position is the greatest thing in life!
"Thoughts of a Girl at a
Symphony Concert
HIS classical music is the
bunk its just a lot of
bumps and thumps with pecu-
liar little trilly things in be-
tween why on earth don't they
ever play anything that makes
sense it would be simply mar-
vellous if a huge orchestra like
this would play that delightful
Hugs and Kisses thing from
the Vanities or that simply di-
vine Rhapsody in Blues but
they just keep playing these
poisonous things that these de-
funct old composers made up
because people pretend to like
ihem or something gosh I don't
see why people aren't frank I
bet half the people here are
bord stiff with this foul aria
that odd woman is singing she
looks like a frost-bitten pars-
nip that man with the drum
simply fascinates me though
the way he sort of noncha-
lantly thumps on it at odd mo-
ments it must be heaps of fun
to be able to do that gosh
they've played that obnoxious
little sobbing effect over about
a millon times if I couldn't
sing any better than that odd
woman I'd open a delicatessen
)
June,
she looks exactly like the dame
that runs the Delicious Delicat-
essen funny how you have to be
fat to sing at least all these
prima donna people seem to be
fat how poisonous they are
anyways gee I wish I’d broken
this date and gone to the
hockey game life’s too short to
spend your time trying to get
cultured at these foul sym-
phony concerts .. .
--Ілоүр Mayer.
>
Nancy’s Garters
Now that Nancy rolls them,
The garters that she wears
Are rainbow creations,
That attract the stares,
As the lassie hastens
Gaily to and fro
With her short skirts hiding
Much less than they show.
Although Nancy’s garters
Are but flimsy things,
Bits of frail clastic
To which ribbon clings,
As the shapely lassie
Walks the avenue,
They hold up her stockings
And the traffic, too.
-—Epcar DANIEL Kramer.
Jus: Your wedding’s
poned, eh? Little lady sick or
something?
Hers: Wo.
been post-
She married another
guy.
GENTLEMAN (slightly inebriated):
Cor (ex-pug): Shure an’ that's me old perfession.
Old dear, would you assist a fellow in getting his face lifted?
39
One End of the Line
90 ELLO!. . Oh, hello,
honey! . . How are
you, darling? Listen,
dearie, Pm awfully busy this
evening and I’m afraid ГЇЇ not
‚ be able to get home for din
. What? . . Well, you
se, І. . Yes, I know, but
ы Eistean noys Du e 2
You don’t under . . Well, I
didn't think you'd . . No
ANO 25 2 ев. š
Sure . . But listen, honey,
ео 5
Yes, but . . But this work
is impor . . This is import
. Listen, if you'd just let
me ex I know that
г . I under . = Yes, T
understand, but . . . No, I
won't . . No, I’m all al
. Listen, now, I ain't with
anybody, I’m . . Say, you
make me ti . . Who, me?
о ХОЗ сга о о T
said you must have misunder
. Aw, now, listen, you
Yes, I know
Well, I would have
. would have called you
sooner, but 2 Weli, I
can’t, I tell . . Well, listen,
know
I didn’t know until just a few
. Hello! . . HELLO!
. Hey, operator! .
NS ALL.
WANTED—a millionaire, two yachts,
diamond necklace, limousine, or what
have you?
Say, how d’yuh get that way?
А . I had a party on this
line and you disconnected us!
. Yes, уа! I heard you
break the Say, young
lady, what kind of service is
this? WHAT'S THAT? Lis-
ten here, don't get comical with
me, see? I’m not taking any
bawling out from you or any-
body What? . 5
NO! NO! NEVER
MIND!. . I don't want to
talk to her anymore!”
— Curr JOHNSON.
>
Base Deceiver
“So you turned him down?”
“Absolutely! He told me he
was connected with the movies,
and then I saw him driving a
furniture van.”
>
Prepared for It
Rah: “бо old Professor
Blockhead has passed away?
Tsk! Tsk! A brilliant chap; in-
deed! He could speak six dead
languages.”
Raw: “Well, he ought to
make a right sociable corpse!
iis June,
PAYING Our DEBT
The Rich Influence of French
Culture and Civilization Upon
American Life Constitutes a
Debt Which No Mere V ar-Time
Loan, Even Should It Become a
Gift, Will Ever Repay. But
there is Hopelll Witness the Fol-
low ing Excerpts from the Amer-
ican Scene which, Every Y ear,
Our Tourists Are Gratefully
Offering ир for Paris Edification
100 Percent American Jazz
A contribution of inestimable value is
the wild syncopation of fever-creating
melody which has come out of the
States to make the world a happier
place to live in. Certainly a contribu-
tion such as this should be worth at
least a few million francs to the
pleasure-loving French.
Knees
Knees are a peculiarly Ameri-
can invention. Here — what
with our styles and our
picture newspapers —they
may be said to have reached
their greatest
develop-
ment. The value
of this contribu-
tion hardly can
be measured in
money.
Photos Copyrighted by
Americano, Inc. All Rights Re-
served, Including the Scandi-
navian, for No Good Reason
At All.
1927 41
ТО LAFAYETTE
As Interpreted
By L. T. HOLTON
Correspondence School
French
The French language has been
improved and simplified by the
methods of our correspond-
епсе schools. Неге we see an
ambitious gendarme receiving
his first lesson in his native
tongue. He has just come to
а realization that what he
doesn't know about French is
quite a lot, and that he owes it
all to Ameriea.
Really High Class Fashions
America has given vision to the tailors and
modistes of Paris. Since the advent of our
collegiate trousers and cut-away skirts,
Americans, they feel sure, will fall for any-
thing. A great boon indeed, and a profit-
able one, as witness the adjacent picture in
which are posed Miss Evelyn Glutz
and Mr. Louis Blamberg, of Brook-
lyn, who have purchased apparel
which the costumers were afraid
to put on their dummies.
bhi
is Fortunate Illness
“ ROBABLY nothing is more horrible than
P to see a beautiful young girl, built for
love, marry one of the few men left who
are still embalmed in the muddy imitation amber
of “mauve decade wholesomeness !?
Marianna, was, of necessity, until her mother
died, a “home girl.”
“Home” had been a small Illinois town, where
а verein of imbecile males literally drew lots among
themselves for each eligible female, settled thus the
matter of who was to have her and then “laid
June,
Timothy looked at her.
magnifying glass put there
off” while the lucky man worried the unlucky girl
into marriage.
Fortunately Marianna was wise enough to know
that her slim figure which, locally, was thought to
be a sign of advanced anaemia, her bright, wide
eyes, which were thought to be somehow deviously
immoral, the pink and white velvet softness of
her skin, which was considered, in Rossville, not
quite nice, deserved a better break than could be
given this priceless tout ensemble in her home
town.
1927
His eyes were filmed with a wonderful
by seventeen weeks of bleak loneliness.
When her mother died and left her enough to
escape, she vanished, only to run at once into a
greater hazard in the big city, but a hazard so
differently dressed and comported from the Ross-
ville hazards that she did not realize it until she
had married it.
Married in the morning, they started in the af-
ternoon upon their honeymoon. Timothy thought
it would be a bright idea to go to Starved Rock,
where a lot of female society morons have cluttered
up the landscape with bronze plates that give no
43
Superior Young
Husbands, on the
Way to Becoming
Insufferable, W ould
Do Well to Con-
tract a Case of
Malaria, as Did
Timothy.
By ТАСЕ
WOODFORD
information whatsoever anent
the historical happenings there,
and which contain only long al-
phabetical lists of the donors of
the bronze talets.
During the afternoon they
scrambled about the peanut
littered dump, and in the eve-
ning they found a delightful
little hotel in Ottawa, not far
from where a spillway, around
a dam, caused musical tinkles
of water as the sewage from
Chicago poured over it to pol-
lute the famous Rock River.
Timothy engaged two con-
necting rooms and entered his
own to attire himself in a pair
of pyjamas, and a bathrobe
that tripped him up when he
tried to walk around the room
to abate his nervousness.
Presently the door between
the two rooms opened and a
vision floated through it. The vision was Mari-
anna, who was attired in what she was at-
tired іп, which is none of your business. Нег
eyes were not like stars at all, they were like
sparks from a long inactive volcano. Нег lips
were a red smear of temptation upon livid white.
The softly molded curves of her young body
trembled visibly as she advanced toward Timothy
with outstretched arms.
“The idea!” ejaculated Timothy. “Тһе very
м
idea! Return to your room at once!
that I had married a lady.”
He had.
From that day on, Marianna, who was a game
little devil, and not one to ask for a new deal, after
she had opened a pot on jacks and failed to im-
prove her hand on a draw, kept a tight upper lip
and played the game, to the entire satisfaction of
"Timothy, who eventually *forgave" her.
Other things the matter with Timothy were (1)
That he had a perfect horror of his wife doing
anything except, metaphorically, sitting upon a
cushion and sewing a fine seam. (2) He was an
inveterate braggart. Many were the tales of his
prowess that he told his patient wife upon long
winter evenings when nothing good could be
brought in on the radio, and there was neither fish-
ing nor otherwhat to be done. In fact, so high,
wide and numerous were these tales of his posi-
tion as traffic manager in a large shipping house,
that eventually Marianna came to know something
about his business. She thought it fascinating.
Тһе routing of merchandise in the best, the quick-
est and the cheapest way, all over the United
States and Europe and the Continent. Time and
again, as һе expounded some, as yet, un-
snarled traffic knot or tangle, she thought of ways
and means for untieing it, but never did she ex-
press them; this she knew, would have offended
Timothy beyond words, shocked him speechless,
I thought
“She can get
them to hold
liners an hour. . .”
June,
given him a permanent wave and a singe in the re-
gion of his superiority complex. And then, one
day, Timothy, back from a trip to New Orleans,
crawled upon his hands and knees up the stairs to
their apartment, and fell fainting in the hall be-
fore the door, barely able to thump upon it
weakly.
WEEN Marianna opened the door and saw
him lying there, she did not scream or gasp.
She merely stooped to collect Timothy, hoping
against hope that he had come home to her drunk.
Even in his condition of collapse from the
malaria that had gotten into his blood while in
the southern city noted for its floating graves,
Timothy looked up and gasped:
‘Don’t you try to lift me, Marianna; that’s no
work for a lady.”
“Lady fiddlesticks!” snapped Marianna, happy
in her accidental role of the stronger one, and
buoyed up by her hope that now he might die.
Picking him up, she carried him into the bedroom,
undressed him, and then ’phoned for the doctor.
Timothy was horrified. He was so utterly out-
raged by what had happened that he had no time
to die before the doctor came.
Malaria, once contracted, is like getting your
name on the sucker list of a charitable organiza-
tion. For sixteen weeks Timothy did not leave his
room, although many times the room danced away
and left him. But contrary to all her hopes, he
did not die.
'The first week, Marianna quarreled with him
frightfully, hoping that this might cause a re-
lapse which would finish him; but it didn’t.
Then she insisted upon nursing him, hoping that
he would die of embarrassment. But he didn't, and
finally a registered nurse was sent for, and, when
she came, Marianna refused to enter the room dur-
ing the hours of the day in which the nurse was
there, with the consequence that Timothy never
saw Marianna from seven o'clock in the morning
until seven at night.
He protested wildly to the nurse that they ought
to have a chaperone, never able to understand why,
at each time he mentioned this, the nurse, with a
face like Lillian Gish under Griffith direction, tit-
tered and made some such irrelevant remark as:
“What you need is careful encouragement—not
a chaperone.”
It was in the middle of the seventeenth week of
his illness that Timothy got up, with the doctor's
permission, and went out into the living room. He
1927 45
Who could tell but what
she might have lighted
the president’s cigarettes
for him, just ав he,
Timothy, had done!
was dumbfounded and irritated beyond measure.
The whole house was in such order as he had
never seen it in before, yet he knew that on ac-
count of the extra expense of his illness, Marianna
had let the maid go. He strongly suspected her
of having “‘redded” up herself—the thought caused
definite syncope. However, bracing himself to
walk across the floor, which seemed to him like an
46
undulating ramp, he reached the "phone, called the
office for the first time since taking to bed; got
Mayer, the vice president.
“Well, well, old man," said the voice which
sounded very good to Timothy, “по end glad to
hear you're up and mending."
“I shall try and be back at my desk just as
soon as humanly possible, sir,” promised Timothy.
“Yes?” commented Mayer, without enthusiasm.
“I suppose that my position is still open, sir?”
“Well,” began Mayer slowly, “yes, I suppose
цв?
*You don't sound as though you wanted me
back very badly," went on Timothy bitterly.
“Tt isn't that," denied Mayer, in obvious em-
barrassment; *only, you see, that wife of yours
is the cleverest traffic head we've ever had here,
and we hate to lose her. Why man, she can un-
tangle snarls that appear utterly hopeless; she
can go to the shipping companies and get them
to hold liners an hour for our freight ; she can get
a trainmaster to order a freight train back into
the yards after it’s started out—she’s mar-
vel-ous P
When Timothy hung up the receiver and called
the nurse to help him get back to bed, he was thor-
oughly made up in his own mind as to what must
be done. Marianna had been compromised. He
must divorce her. She had been in daily contact
with men of the business world. She had taken
orders from them. Who could tell but what she
might have even lighted the president's cigarettes
for him as he, Timothy, had often done. And that
wasn't the half that passed through his mind, but
it is all I can get past the state and national
boards of censorship. Timothy, like all people
who are clean and pure and wholesome, objectively,
had a wonderful mind for dirt.
| ES was after eight o'clock when Marianna got
home and entered the bedroom.
“Marianna,” managed Timothy in sepulchral
tones, “you have forever disgraced yourself and
me."
“Оһ fiddlesticks!” interrupted Marianna; and
then, reflectively: *how did you ever come to over-
look the forty mile haul saved by routing the Hed-
don shipments via Dover? I—"
“Т shall have to divorce you," he cut in solemnly.
“Honest—no kidding—really—you wouldn't
disappoint me—" Excitedly she climbed upon the
bed. Timothy looked at her. His eyes were filmed
with a wonderful magnifying glass put there by
June,
seventeen weeks of bleak loneliness. Не discovered
that his wife's face was of a delicious, soft warm
ivory tint, upon which her scarlet lips, daringly
made up in contradiction to all of his instructions,
were a tempting smear to give one pause. Glori-
ously slim and pink were her tiny wrists showing
above fawn-colored gloves. Нег cheeks were ex-
quisitely curved. The tumble of curls which
sneaked out all around her little dark hat were like
spun taffy, with the sun shining on it. "There was
a dampness and freshness and softness about her
that was disconcerting. As she curved and twisted
before him excitedly he thought of a sleek, beauti-
ful animal, with no manners. The almost imma-
ture loveliness of her, which had escaped him be-
fore, now smote him like the blast from a fire
thrower's torch. He fixed his eyes upon a delight-
ful hollow in her slim white throat and said, care-
fully:
*Perhaps, after all, I shall give you another
chance.”
She pouted.
“But I'd probably be no better a wife to you
than I have been before,” she suggested eagerly.
She curled up on the foot of the bed, prepared to
give him an argument. Looked like an expensive,
soft little kitten. As she moved, grace rippled
from head to foot through her. i
“You could try,” he pointed out desperately.
“Тп not at all sure that I even want to try."
Dimpled, rosy knees, above rolled-down shim-
mering hose came into view. Another one of his
strictest orders disobeyed. Не groaned.
“It is your duty," he pointed out in a heavy
voice.
“Duty, she commented carelessly, “is for homely
people and old people and sick people. I’m sick
of you and duty.”
“But I love you,” he quavered at last.
She sat up suddenly.
“Timothy,” she began with resolute candor.
“You’re a darn fine scout—for the shape you’re
in. But get this straight. I’m going to see that
you get your position back as soon as you’re well,
and resign from it myself, upon one condition, and
that is that you'll let me dispense permanently
with a maid, until our income is larger, and do
my own housework; it’s good for the figure—and,
too, I want it understood that when you talk over
your business affairs at home, if I think of some-
thing that I believe is pertinent, I am to be at lib-
erty to spiel it off—and you'll listen and use the
(Continued on page 50)
1927 47
WHAT WE MAY BE COMING TO
Dee
This man’s mental vibration tells me
he had three shady thoughts yesterday-
Better give Inm the sunlight Greabment
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Risque Ruth, on a visit to the city, asked the postman if he didn’t have
а hard time delivering mail when all the streets had the same name.
Speaking of Astronomy
HE—I think it’s marvelous
when you think of all those
stars up there being other
worlds or something, don't
you?
Hre—Yeah—s’wonderful, all
right.
Sure—Astronomy must be
fascinating—did you ever
study it in college?
Hr— Yeah, I studied it—
June,
just a bit, y'know. I know the
general principles of it of
course.
5нк— Но simply fascinat-
ing. What is it all about any-
ways?
He—Well, you see, of
course to begin with the earth
moves around the sun instead
of the sun moving around the
earth the way you probably |
thought it did—do you get
me?
Sue — Well, Pd never
thought about it at all, to tell
you the truth, but that's rather
a unique idea, I think. What
else happens?
He—Well, of course I only
know the general principles of
the thing but the main point is
the earth moving around the
sun.
Suz—Oh yes of course—how
fascinating!
Hz—Yes, it’s a pretty in-
teresting subject all right, this
astronomy.
бӛне--Гуе always wondered
what made the tides—it isn't
really people going in bathing
all over the world, is it?
Hr—No, its the moon.
You see the moon has the ef-
fect of making the tide rise and
fall sort of.
Sur—How perfectly ex-
traordinary! But how does it
do it?
Hx—Well, you see it simply
has this effect on the tides,
that's all—of course I only
studied this astronomy a bit—
I just know the general prin-
ciples of it, that's all.
SHe—Well, at least I’ve
learned that the sun goes
round the earth and not the
earth round the sun—that’s
something!
--Ілоүр Mayer.
1927
Dark for Him
ТАНК: *Barker says that
when his wife saw the beau-
tiful blonde stenographer he
had in his office she turned pale
and fainted.”
Spark: “ГІ bet he changed
color too.”
Stark: “Yes. He hired a
brunette.”
57
Another Version
Mary had a little lamb,
At least, she thought he was,
But when he took her for a
ride,
She had to walk because
He wasn’t such a little lamb,
As Mary did suppose,
So she gave him a little lam
That landed on his nose.
<>
Тһе Bare Facts
“Your wife doesn't appear
much in public, does she?"
“Well, she does when she
does.”
49
Lavy on Smwewatk (admiring friend's car): I think it is awfully mean
of you not to buy me a new car, George.
GEORGE:
Well, you know, my dear, I must save up for a rainy day.
Lavy: Are you sure you're not just saving up for a wet night?
A Slave Driver
“Does your wife drive?”
“I should say so!”
“What make car have you?”
“Oh, we’ve never owned a
”
car.
(ы ады 2
Хом +7,
“Did you see where the star came out in the papers against nudity?”
“Well, she would—with her figure!”
Alcoholic Mother Goose
Sing a song of pocket-flasks,
A bottle full of rye—
Four and twenty sub-debs
Feeling rather dry.
When the rye was opened
The little ladies sniffed
And went back to their necking
Well, just the least bit
piffed!
Tom, Tom, the toper’s son
Learned to booze when he was
young;
And after that he never cried
For Tom was always ossified.
Taffy was a Welshman,
Taffy was a bum,
Taffy came to our house
And stole some bootleg rum.
Taffy drank it on the spot
And rode off in his flivver
And late that night poor Taffy
got
Cirrhosis of the liver!
--Нтен Woop.
50
| Жер
С”
"If yowsh fellow'll quit steppin’ on my heelsh, ГИ get thish open ат
we'll all get in.”
Mamie, the Extra Girl
Says—
CAN’T understand why the
producers are trying to get
college men into the movies
when there’s plenty of office
boys in Hollywood now.
жж ж
Just because they have sheep
skins is no sign they're all wool
and a yard wide.
жож ж
Maybe after all they should
be encouraged to enter pic-
tures, it would be a great boon
to their friends if they don't be-
come bond salesmen.
жж ж
It will take some tall plot-
ting for them to crib а film
test.
ж ж ж
When they get to be stars, if
ever, they'll probably do away
with the music on the lot and
get a cheer leader.
—Srencer А. SPENCER.
FREAKS
Although Jabez Jimpson, of Route
Four, Heller, Arkansas, is perfectly
normal im every other way, HE
READS THE CONGRESSPOWAL
RECORD.
June,
His Fortunate Illness
(Continued from page 46)
idea if it’s practical . . . and,
furthermore... .”
Just then, however, Marianna
noticed that Timothy’s illness
had given him a peaked look
that, a little, made him resemble
a faun. Не had never looked
quite like that before. And there
was something back of his eyes
that was almost devlish. Ex-
perimentally she leaned over and
kissed him firmly upon the lips,
with a seventeen weeks’ empha-
sis. Something happened to
Timothy. He squirmed in sur-
prise. Felt life flowing back in-
to his veins surprisingly. Sat
up. Looked over what he had
married, carefully, decided that
his thought in marrying her had
been meet and good. Suddenly
he reached for her, found new
strength to kiss the little hollow
in her neck. Marianna went
limp with surprise; but as Tim-
othy developed, she found
strength to gasp, in delighted
astonishment:
“Timothy !—remember you're
a gentleman!”
“Gentleman hell!” growled
Timothy. And from that day
on they lived happily ever after.
Only Yesterday
“Married eh! Why, it seems
only yesterday you were en-
gaged !”
“It was."
<>
She Didn't Want It
Tom: *May I have the next
dance?”
Genevieve: “Take it; I’m
sure I don’t want it.”
1927
"Tm Funny That Way”
HE—I think it’s wonderful
how you know so much
about such lots of interesting
things.
He—Well, Pm funny that
way.
Sur—But I don't see how
you ever remember so much.
He—Well, it isn’t hard
when you have a knack that
way.
Sue—Gee, I wish I had. Га
simply adore to be able to sort
of talk intelligently about
things.
He—Well, I think you do.
Sur—My family think I’m
awfully dumb.
He—I don't think you аге
at all.
бӛне--Тһеу never know what
Im going to say next...
Mother always says she’s ter-
rified to have me around for
fear ГЇЇ say something terrible
when somebody is calling like a
minister or somebody like that.
He—Why should you?
SHe—Well, I don't know—
but dumb things just sort of
come out of me suddenly and I
mean it embarrasses Mother
frightfully.
Нв-І think you're one of
the most intelligent girls I
know.
Sue—Do you honestly? ...
Well, it’s funny—but I do seem
to be able to really talk intel-
ligently when I talk to you. I
think you sort of inspire me or
something to sort of talk sense,
because you kno:w so much and
everything.
Hr—Wel, I’m funny that
way.
--Ілоүр Marra.
[^ ad
51
“По you know where little girls go who don’t like putting their clothes on?"
“Yes, on the stage.”
A Knock Absorber
Will: “Do you find it easy to
locate the knocks in your car?”
Bill: “Yes, when my wife is
riding on the back seat.”
>
Safe for the Time Being
My Bonmie lies over the ocean,
My Bonnie lies over the sea,
But while she’s over there lying,
She’s not here lying to me!”
<>
Immovable
She: *Have you a fixed in-
come?”
He: “Yes, I can’t budget.”
Hated Herself
“Girlie, you have acute ton-
silitis.”
“Yes, doc, I know; a lot of
guys have admired it beside
you.”
>
Logical
“What were your sensations
when the airplane crashed?”
“Т almost dropped dead.”
>
B z-z-z!
“What’s that buzzing noise
in the radio?”
“I don’t know; the A batteries
are alright, so it must be the
B’s.”
52 June,
"Speak Gently "Ж 1
PHARMACY
Dr. Foster went to Gloucester
(Possibly in Maine);
He heard it was “ағу”
But murmured, “Му eye!
I'll have to run up here again!"
A maid there was in our town
And she was wondrous wise.
She bought a new eye lotion
To brighten up her eyes;
And when her eyes became too bright,
With all her might and main—
She bought an eyelash darkener
To shade them soft again!
1927 53
There was a crooked man
Who went a crooked шау;
He found a crooked lady friend
Upon a crooked day.
She caught him round the collar
With a warm, intensive hug,
And she won his bottom dollar
With a crooked little tug!
Mary had a little lamb—
Two little “calves” as well—
Of just these three, persumably,
This little rhyme will tell.
Mary's little lamb they say
Was fond of her, all right;
Everywhere she went he kept
Her little calves in sight. j
Mary thought him rather rude
To stare the way he did,
But I can't blame the lamb a bit—
She was a classy kid!
с
| (C Verses and Decorations
By SPENCER ARCHDEACON
JAMES
HOUSE
OR.'27
CHARLOTTE
GREENWOOD
A favorite of the musical
comedy stage whose charm-
ingly droll personality and
implausible arms and legs
are now a feature of “Le
Maire’s Affairs” at the Ma-
jestic Theatre in New York.
Caricatured especially for
LAUGHTER by James
House, Jr.
June,
1927
Two
55
DOWN FRONT
A Department of Good Humored Comment
on the Theatre.
Unlike Many Similar
Reviews, However, You Don’t Have to be
a First-Nighter to Get a Laugh Out of It
The Cheering Stand
F the congregation will rise
and remain uncovered for
the space of two minutes,
this department will do its
humble best to tell what it
thinks of *Spread Eagle,"
which, boys and girls, is а show
as is а show! Before I go any
further, permit me to state that
“Spread Eagle" is the work of
а couple of Brooklyn news-
paper men named George S.
Brooks and Walter B. Lister
(the latter no relation to the
man whose best friend wouldn't
tell him about it), thereby prov-
ing that something can come
out of Brooklyn besides a trick
accent and transferred cops
whose home is in the Bronnix.
“Spread Eagle" details the
story of how а capitalist
started а war with Mexico for
his personal benefit and of how
the war sat right up on its
haunches and eventually poked
him neatly in the eye. If you
go to it, and you're a sucker if
you don't, you'll find yourself
hopping about between No. 120
Broadway, which is the capital-
ist’s office and also the Equit-
able Building; the stage of a
New York theatre, a broadcast-
ing station, an office shack in
Ву ТІР BLISS
Mexico, а Broadway movie
house and a private railroad
car. And where, we ask you,
can you get a better break for
three-thirty?
Likewise, this department
bares its head reverently to
Osgood Perkins, the hard-berled
secretary to the capitalist, who,
if not the whole show, is at
least 66.94 per cent. of it. This
department knew Mr. Perkins
when he wore short pants many
years ago in West Newton,
Massachusetts, and never im-
agined then that he would turn
out to be one of the cleverest of
America’s younger actors,
which merely goes to show that
as a prophet this department is
just about as cockeyed as it has
always imagined itself to be.
The last line in “Spread
Eagle" alone is worth the price
of admission in case you happen
to be angry at somebody but
are too much of a gentleman to
use that sort of language. Far
be it from this department to
knock LAUGHTER’S second-
class mailing privilege for a
goal, but suffice it to say that it
is the phrase that Owen Wister
in “The Virginian” insisted
should always be accompanied
by a smile.
And a Tiger!
HILE still feeling genial
and before making out
the State income tax return
(oh, yes, this is being written
on April 15th and it isn’t quite
midnight yet) this department
would like to cast its assembled
vote in honor of “The Spider,”
the newest of the mystery plays
and the best, by as long a dis-
tance as separates speakeasies
in Kansas, that this department
has of late cast a jaundiced eye
upon.
The vogue, we realize, is to
say that such-and-such is the
best mystery show since “The
Bat,” thereby implying that to
suggest anything could be bet-
ter than “The Bat” would be as
impossible as getting a really
rare steak in a Sixth Avenue
restaurant. But here is where
we jump off the diving board.
“The Spider” is better than
“The Ваё!” Апа this state-
ment is made by a department
which, some years ago, suffered
a mild attack of delirium tre-
mens from “Тһе Bat.”
In “The Spider” you’re sup-
posed to be sitting in a vaude-
ville house watching a sleight-
of-hand performance. Suddenly
the lights go out, a shot rings
56
forth, there is а general hulla-
baloo and a gentleman is discov-
ered lying in the aisle with a
bullet through his heart. This
department is beginning to sus-
pect that the bullet isn't really
through his heart, since it would
obviously be too expensive to
kill an actor every night, to say
nothing of matinees, but at the
time of witnessing the perform-
ance this department harbored
no such cynicism.
No, sir! When this depart-
ment recovered consciousness it
discovered the theatre to be full
of policemen—and this depart-
ment is always:nervous in the
presence of too many police-
men—while a perfect stranger
in the adjoining seat had a
young gatling gun poked into
this department's ribs, a part
of the anatomy of which this
department is inordinately fond.
I believe I shall stick to
*Peter Pan" revivals in the fu-
ture and regain the well known
sanity.
Not So Hot!
AVING been entirely good-
natured about two shows
in succession I shall now turn
Тен дар
“Menace” is а story of dear old
Tokio in which poor little Sat-su-San
gets the air, and who cares?
Mr. Hyde and show just how
nasty I can be on occasion.
Somewhere about town is wan-
dering a thing called “Тһе
Mystery Ship," which has just
as much reason for ever having
been written as had Peaches
Browning's diary. In a word,
none.
All the old bunk is on deck
and standing at attention—the
clutching hands, the shots in
“Praisres ——__
“Spread Eagle" із all about a capitalist who declares war on Mexico.
June,
the dark, the confused struggle,
every bit of the ancient hooie.
As an evening’s entertainment I
should recommend attending an
epidemic of mumps.
This department is already
fed up to the point of satura-
tion with South Sea romances
and a view of “Savages Under
the Skin” at the Greenwich
Village Theatre abated no whit
my resolution that hereafter I
could take my South Sea or
leave it alone. This, too, in
view of the fact that one of this
department’s most personal girl
friends is in the cast and needs
the job. But “Savages Under
the Skin” is so close to being
hopeless that I wouldn’t sell my
vote in favor of it even if I lived
in Pennsylvania or Illinois. It
rather reminds me of the thing
which, written at the age of
seventeen, brought me the nest
egg of my present outstanding
collection of rejection slips.
And who knows, maybe it is!
Another gone-native play is
“Menace,” a story of dear old
Tokio, in which poor little Sat-
su-San gets the air, and who
cares? At the completion of
the first act this department
journeyed forth into the night
and spent the remainder of the
evening shooting kelly pool at a
dollar a corner, which should be
adequate criticism, since this
department is one of the most
terrible pool players anybody
ever saw.
And Not So Cool!
HEN, just to convince my-
self that I wasn’t as dys-
peptic as I was beginning to
believe, I conveyed my 165
pounds (when in physical trim,
which is seldom) on successive
evenings to “Lucky” and
“Rufus LeMaires Affairs.”
1927
“Lucky” probably cost about
seven million dollars more than
“LeMaire’s Affairs” to produce.
This department would rather
have the cash.
*LeMaire's Affairs" is one of
those musical reviews which we
sophisticated old hounds attend
with the determination to keep
our nostrils superciliously ele-
vated and then suddenly awaken
with the exclamation: “Why,
good Lord, I’m having a swell
time!” Possibly it is due to the
presence in the cast of Miss
Charlotte Greenwood of the
implausible legs and arms, of
whom I have always been slight-
A gentleman is discovered lying in
the aisle with a bullet through his
heart.
ly enamored, or of Mr. Ted
Lewis whom I would support if
for no other reason than that
he is the sole living owner of a
more disreputable hat than my
own 1925 trulywarner, but,
anyway, I had a very juicy
evening out of it.
And “Lucky,” which has sup-
plied gainful employment for
Mary Eaton and Walter Cat-
lett among others, is a good
show, too, despite the fact that
the eye is continually bombard-
ed by dollar signs. Not a sin-
gle tune from it remains in these
cankered ears and the humor
that dawns on the recollection
seems scarcely of the excruciat-
lan ЧӘР
ing variety, but it was a lot
more fun, anyway, than spend-
ing two and a half hours in the
electric chair. Or so I’m told.
For Cryin' Out Loud
NDOUBTEDLY the two
most lugubrious things
Гуе seen since they hanged
Uncle Horace for stealing sheep
back in the old country are
“Mariners” and “Fog Bound.”
Here are two clouds with nary
a silver lining between them.
Speaking as man to man, I am
one of those bromidies who hold
that there’s enough gloom in the
world without going to the box
office to buy it, but if these
shows don’t add to the already
current supply, then the Black
Hole of Calcutta is on the Col-
umbia burlesque route. Plots:
“Mariners”: Unhappy ro-
mance.
“Fog Bound”: Unhappy ro-
mance.
“Mariners” again brings
forth Miss Pauline Lord, who
seems to have gone definitely
nautical since she appeared in
Eugene O’Neill’s “Аппа
Christie,” but the most original
Tip Bliss may be wrong, but if
“Savages Under the Skin” has this,
I'm for it,
57
thing about it, unless the pro-
gram is a darned liar, is the
name of one of the minor play-
ers, T. Wigney Percyval Not
since this department discovered
that Bozeman Bulger and B.
Toscan Worm were actual per-
sonages has it encountered such
Possibly the success of “LeMaire’s
Affairs" is due to the presence of
Miss Charlotte Greenwood.
a shock. And in *Fog Bound"
we have Nance O’Neill who, this
department vaguely believed,
was contemporaneous with
Beaumont and Fletcher. Evi-
dently, this department isn't
actually as old as he generally
feels on Monday mornings.
'The only other show in town
on which I feel qualified to re-
port is the circus, now being
produced by Messrs. Barnum,
Bailey, the Ringling Brothers,
the Seven Sutherland Sisters,
the Fairbanks T'wins and Swiss
Family Robinson. It has an
all-star cast, but the story isn't
much to brag about.
Yours truly, Mr. Bliss.
Лату ар
Why Not Say It With
Pictures ?
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Тһе Bad Man
(Continued from page 21)
And then it turned out that the
Scotchman had given him coun-
terfeit money!
'That cured him, and he went
straight for the rest of his stay
up North. You can't win—in
Scotland. So we returned to
London for a final fling before
setting out for Paris and the
continent. At the last minute
we decided to fly the channel.
Flannagan was a little nervous
about it, but I had had some ex-
perience in gang fights in Chi-
cago and was quite anxious to
go up in the air again. We
were the only two passengers on
the trip. I can tell you that it
was certainly a lot better than
being sick on one of those chan-
nel boats; they say the passage
is apt to be terribly rough.
Well, about half way over I de-
cided that Га like to run the
bus for a little while and I asked
the pilot if he'd let me. Well,
that pilot certainly had a mean
disposition because he told me
that it was strictly against the
company's rules to let passen-
gers run the planes. I tried to
bribe him, but that didn't do
any good, so I decided that the
only right thing to do was to
show him the point of my revol-
ver. That brought him around
all right, and I drove the plane
for the rest of the trip until
land approached. I flew down
low over the water, and Flan-
nagan threw him into the Chan-
nel. I don't think it hurt him—
much. Flannagan called after
him: *Better swim back to Eng-
land for the wife and kiddies.”
I thought it was sort of mean to
joke at such a time, but I didn't
say anything.
We now decided to hit di-
rectly for Paris. You have no
59
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The greatest necessity to ensure happiness in the married condition is
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PARTIAL CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
CHAPTER VI.
Sex Binds All Life in One. Sex Communion.| Monogamy or Free Marriage. Hereditary
CHAPTER I.
The Consummation of Marriage.
The Art of а Beautiful Conception.
The Conservation of Sex Energy.
CHAPTER П.
Passion.
The Limitation of Population.
An Eminent Divine and Conception Control.
Unlimited Breeding Involves a Struggle for
Existence.
Anatomy and Psychology. Female Sex AD-| Marriage a Joy to the End.
paratus.
Male Sex Apparatus.
The i on Which Many Marriages Foun-
ler.
The Spontaneous Expression of Love.
CHAPTER III.
Those тво Should Practice Conception Con-
rol.
The Husband's Function to Woo.
The Wife's Function to Respond.
Why Women Have Been Subjected.
The Complete Confidence of Man and Wife.
CHAPTER IV.
Desirable Sex Conduct. Life and Sex Еп-
ergy.
Sex Fear Destroyed. The Immorality of
мырыш Conception Control Knowl-
CHAPTER V.
Initiation to Matrimony. `
Men Who Marry in Ignorance.
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June,
idea what an awe-inspiring
scene passed underneath us—
beautiful winding rivers, green
valleys, the neat French farms,
and then an old Continental
town with its little houses
bunched together and Ње
church spire rearing above
them. Soon we sighted the
outskirts of Paris and decided
to land. We saw a regular fly-
ing field and made for it. It
turned out to be the property
of the company whose plane we
were flying, and the attendants
seemed somewhat surprised to
see me in command instead of
the regular pilot. I told them
he was swimming back to Eng-
land, but that didn’t seem to
satisfy them. However, Flan-
nagan and I managed to make
our getaway, although we were
a bit hurt that they didn’t
even offer us a job with the
company.
I told Flannagan that while
we were in Paris we would live
in the Latin quarter, there be-
ing so many interesting liter-
ary and artistic people in those
parts. What did he do but re-
ply that he couldn’t speak
Latin, and that anyhow he'd
always supposed that anything
Latin must be in Italy. I told
him I had read Cicero and Vir-
gil in the original and would
have been prepared to speak in
Latin anyhow, but that in the
Latin quarter I referred to
they spoke French. Well, he
couldn’t speak that either, but
I spent a couple of hours a day
teaching him the fine points of
the language. I had taken all
the regular lightning courses in
French that you see advertised,
but Flannagan, having been a
draft dodger, couldn’t even
speak A. E. F. French. But
there’s nothing to worry about
1927
STATEMENT OF THE OWNERSHIP,
MANAGEMENT, CIRCULATION, ETC.,
REQUIRED BY THE ACT OF CON-
GRESS OF AUGUST 24, 1912.
Of LAUGHTER, published monthly at
Philadelphia, Pa., for April 1, 1927.
STATE OF PENNSYLVANIA М9
COUNTY OF PHILADELPHIA |
Before me, a Notary Public in and for
the State and County aforesaid, personally
appeared William H. Kofoed, who, having
been duly sworn according to law, deposes
and says that he is the Editor of the
LAUGHTER and that the following is, to
the best of his knowledge and belief, а
true statement of the ownership, manage-
ment (and if a daily paper, the circule-
tion), ete., of the aforesaid publication for
the date shown in the above Caption, re-
quired by the Act of August 24, 1912, em-
bodied in section 411, Postal Laws and
Regulations printed on the reverse of this
form, to wit:
1. That the names and addresses of the
publisher, editor, managing editor, and
business managers are:
Publisher, The Guild Publishing Com-
pany, Drexel Bldg. Phila., Pa.; Editor,
William H. Kofoed, Drexel Bldg., Phila.,
Ра.; Managing Editor, none, Drexel Bldg.,
Phila. Pa; Business Managers, Edward
Longstreth and Wm. H. Kofoed, Drexel
Bldg. Phila., Pa.
2. That the owner is:
The Guild Publishing Company, Drexel
Bldg., Phila., Pa.
Stockholders owning or holding one per
cent or more of total stock:
Edward Longstreth, Drexel Bldg., Phila.,
Pa.; William Н. Kofoed, Drexel Bldg.,
Phila. Pa.
8, That the known bondholders, mort-
gagees and other security holders owning
or holding one per cent or more of total
amount of bonds, mortgages, or other se-
curities are (If there are none, so state):
None.
4. That the two paragraphs next above,
giving the names of the owners, stock-
holders, and security holders, if any, con-
tain not only the list of stockholders and
security holders as they appear upon the
books of the company but also, in cases
where the stockholder or security holder
appears upon the books of the company
as trustee or in any other fiduciary re-
Intion, the name of the person or corpora-
tion for whom such trustee is acting,
is given; also that the said two para-
graphs contain statements embracing
effiant's full knowledge and belief as to
the circumstances and conditions under
which stockholders and security holders
who do not appear upon the books of the
company as trustees, hold stock and se-
curities in a capacity other than that of а
bona fide owner, and this affiant has no
reason to believe that any other person,
association, or corporation has any in-
terest, direct or indirect, in the said stock,
bonds, or other securities than as so stat-
ed by him.
GUILD PUBLISHING COMPANY.
By Wm. H. Kofoed.
Sworn to and subscribed before me this
Tth day of April, 1927.
Wm. J. Martin.
(My commission expires March 18, 1929)
5.00; Cards, $1.25; Inks,
$1.50; Magic Fluid for
MAGIC DIC Transparents, $3.00; Sliek
Ace Cards, $1.25; Factory Readers, $1.00. Sales
Boards, etc. Catalog 10c.
CENTRAL NOVELTY CO.
112 N. LaSalle Street, Chicago, Ill.
PHOTO ART NOVELTIES
Prettiest French and Spanish Girls; splendic
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for catalog No. 28.
GARCIA & CO.. Vidriera Payret, Havans, Өлік
in Paris unless you can’t speak
English.
It was the same thing all
over again in Paris. He hit
for Montmartre and all the
dives, whereas I went almost
immediately to the Louvre,
only stopping to hold up a hat
shop on the way. Well, I
spent days and days in the
Louvre because the only way to
get anything out of it is not to
rush through, but to see a
small amount at a time. The
following is a small list of what
I got out of the Louvre.
Four Fifteenth Century Me-
dallions.
A small tondo by Verrochio.
A sliver from the Mona Lisa
— (just for sentiment).
A couple of statuettes.
A handful of very valuable
Chinese coins.
Odds and ends amounting to
some $200,000.
I guess people must have
thought I was a wealthy Amer-
soap manufacturer re-
turning home when I got back
to the States. But we had
some other interesting adven-
tures in Paris, as I shall nar-
rate in a subsequent article.
Baseball
(Continued from page 35)
that tale to Grotz? He'd
never believe it, on a day when
there's a baseball game.”
“Oh, I don’t know,” hedged
Mr. Parkins. “I think he trusts
me.”
“I don’t know whether or not
he ought to,” returned Mrs.
Grotz coyly; “but wait a min-
ute. ТЇЇ get you something to
drink. He has some Scotch just
in from Canada last week.”
“Thoughtful of him,” com-
mented Parkins. Апа later,
when she had come back with
the Scotch: “Don’t you ever
ican
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June,
1927
give your servants an afternoon
off, Milly? Remember, you
used to be a working girl your-
self, once.”
“That’s right,” she conceded ;
“wait a minute. TIl let them
off. They make me nervous
anyway. They all get huffy
every time I start playing the
automatic piano, and I like
automatic pianos, don’t you?”
“Oh absolutely,” he agreed.
Half an hour later, while the
automatic piano repeated “Blue
Skies,” over and over again, and
while Mr. Parkins sat in Mr.
Grotz’s overstuffed furniture,
drinking Mr. Grotz’s liquor,
kissing Mr. Grotz’s wife, Mr.
Grotz himself called up.
“Hello, dear,” he said. “I
thought you might call me at
the office and wonder where I'd
gone—lI'm out at the Cubs
Park, just going up to get my
seat in the grandstand now—be
home same time as usual for
supper.”
Out at Cubs Park, Mr. Slav-
insky was gloomily conversing
with Mr. Futz, the secretary
and treasurer.
“Whaddye spose is the mat-
ter now? There ain't been а
baseball scandal for two weeks;
and yet look at the bum attend-
ance today.”
“I got a hunch,” sighed Mr.
Futz, “that it ain’t scandals
what’s getting the matter with
baseball—it just ain’t no longer
the National Pastime, that’s all.
Say, by the way, I wish if any-
body calls up for me during the
game, the missus, for instance,
you'd tell her Pm around the
grounds somewhere and that
you'll try to find me—then tell
her you can't find me and keep
on looking. І got a little er-
rand down town."
“All right” agreed Mr. Slav-
insky, who was a bachelor, “ГІ
tell her that. But by gosh I
can't understand what's the
matter with baseball."
*You wouldn't," commented
Mr. Futz, as he hurried out,
*you got it brains enough to
stay single. What's the matter
with baseball, my dear man, is
that it ain't no longer the Na-
tional Pastime; it’s the National
Alibi."
Bookish Chatter
“What have you in books that
is pretty well read?”
“Well, there's “Тһе Story of a
Cardinal, Miss."
"I don't care for religious
books."
"But this cardinal was a bird."
"I'm not interested in his pri-
vate life, either."
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64 Lauder June,
UST like Adam and Eve were pun-
ished for eating forbidden fruit, so
do a vast number of men, both young
and old, suffer today because they lack
strength.
Dissipation has weakened many so
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est exertion—others were born weak and
have never known how to build their
bodies so they could take advantage of
the many pleasures they seek. There is
no excuse for anyone crying for health
and strength—everyone can enjoy life—
I will show you how.
I Rescue Weaklings
They call me the Muscle Builder—but
I do more than that. I take that old
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only take the outside and put a veneer
on it, but I also do a good job with your
inner organs. My proven method of
Muscular Development builds your tis-
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body. After I get done with you, you
will not only be a picture of health, but
you will be “there” to withstand any
problem of life, that only a real healthy
man can stand. You will not know of
any forbidden pleasures. You will be
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will give you that springy step rubber
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Here’s What I Do the First Thirty Days
With my system of Muscular Development ev-
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cle Builder, but this is only a starter. After you
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thusiasm and vitality. No one will dare call you i
skinny or kid you about being a weakling—let EARLE E. LIEDERMAN, The Muscle Builder
е R ana ber ORE ees сор Author of “Muscle Building,” “Science of Wrestling,”
ШЕШЕН ааа ке ета опе аар е уон “Secrets of Strength," “Неге Health," “Endurance,” Etc.
and seek your companionship.
An Ounce of Activa Is Worth a Thousand Words
I could go on talking about the wonderful things I have done for men and about what I can do for you—yes, I could write enough
to fill all the pages of this magazine, but I would not get anywhere and neither would you. Action is the thing that counts. Take
me up and make me prove that I can remake you—that I can make a muscular marvel out of you. You take no risk, I don’t prom-
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Come to Me
The sooner you get started, the quicker will you know what real health is so that you can hurry into a new life where there are
no forbidden pleasures. If you want to live a long life send for my big new 64-page book, “Muscular Development,” which is de-
scribed below—it’s yours free.
new uae bok “MUSCULAR DEVELOPMENT?" fe
Do you get that? It’s free. I don’t ask a cent. It’s yours with OE IDEE m ы EE "ua рае
my compliments. Take it and read it. It's the peppiest piece of liter- |
ature you ever flashed your glimmers оп. And 48 full-page photos 1 EARLE E. LIEDERMAN
of myself and some of my numerous prize-winning pupils. This is the — | Dept. 4406, 305 Broadway, New York City
finest collection of strong men ever assembled into one book—look | ud i
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trade you can think of, I swear you'll never let this book get out of obligation on my part whatever, a copy of your latest book,
your mitts again. And just think—you're getting it for nothing. Don't Muscular Development." (Please write or print plainly.)
hesitate—there’s no strings atached to it. Grab it.
Take your pen or pencil and fill out the coupon, or even your name Name
and address on a postal will do—do it now before you turn this page.
EARLE E. LIEDERMAN Address
305 Broadway, New York City City..
Dept. 4406,
a rr a m a а Д-Т.)
Birth Control a Sex!
Marriage! What hopes of happiness and bliss! And yet,
in so many cases—sad to say—it is the beginning of
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there was no real knowledge of life's important facts.
Consider yourself. Will your married life end in misery
and unhappiness? Is your existence going to be one long
round of worry and poor health? Will sexual misunder-
standing — the great cause of nearly all divorces — end
your happiness too?
It depends entirely upon you. If you want to “take a
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All really happy marriages come only from a real under-
standing—a definite knowledge of BIRTH CONTROL
and SEX!
We are offering to you, as a reader of Laughter Magazine, the marvelous opportunity—the chance to be
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I can bless the I look forward with I am sure pleased
| day that I secured confidence to my with the books.
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congratulated ,; 2
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Some of the Subjects
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TOO MANY CHILDREN
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